The G Family

Long time, no see!

2011-04-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, I know. It's been a long time. A Looooong time. Like, 7 months long time. I decided for a while that I just didn't want to blog anymore. Part of me is still totally fine being past it all. I think once I was pregnant with Elijah my blog really took off. It gave me something to write about, and it gave me a place to organize my thoughts. I liked that.

And then I had Elijah, and I just didn't have as much to say. I was either less obsessed with having a newborn than I was with being pregnant, or MORE so because I just didn't have the time or energy to blog. I just didn't feel like it. So that's the part of me that's fine with it being behind me.

But then, the other day I was reading through my old blog posts here, and I loved reading about when I was pregnant. It was so interesting to me (even if it's not to other people!) and it made me want to jump back on the blogging bandwagon again, at least for a short time. Because, you see, I'm pregnant again!

Most people who read this would already know that, and to be frank, I don't think anybody is even checking this blog anymore to see if I'm posting. If you are, it's okay to not comment. Really. Part of me even considered making this completely private so no-one could read it, and then I'd just get to keep it like a journal. I'm still contemplating it, as I'm a much faster typer than writer, and I find it easier to write out my thoughts here than on paper.

But anyway, I've decided to keep blogging at least while I'm pregnant, because I find it's a good record of my pregnancy experiences and emotions, which is really invaluable for me to look back on after-the-fact. I don't think I'll keep up the blog after I've had this baby, so really, yes, I'm converting this into a pregnancy blog. It doesn't have the same purpose anymore (which was to keep family and friends up to speed on Matthew's and my life together) but I'll probably still write about non-pregnancy things too.

One thing I've come across in my blog-reading-adventures is a weekly update on the pregnancy. I like the idea of it, even if I finding reading other people's a tad boring. I'm going to do it anyway, for my own sake, because I'm finding comparing myself now (at 15w3d) to when I was this far along with Elijah really interesting.

Because I have missed so many of the weeks since I found out, I'm going to do a long-ish one of the first 4-14 weeks below, and then proceed with a recent one. Again, if you're reading, you might find this boring. I'm doing this one for my own sake, so I don't forget little things of the first 14 weeks.

How Far Along: 4-14 weeks

Weight Gain: I lost 3 lb's due to "morning" sickness, and not wanting to eat anything, even though I never actually puked. I slowly gained the 3lb's back, so by this point I was the same weight as pre-pregnancy.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: I started wearing mat pants by week 5, I was just so bloated that my regular jeans were giving me tummy aches. By week 10 I started wearing the tops. And let me say I'm completely surprised no-one at school has commented on the belly yet. They've got to be curious.

Symptoms: Less tiredness until 13 weeks or so, and then the tiredness picked up again. Nausea which started to go away around weeks 10-11. Stuffy nose already (which does NOT bode well...) sore tummy and stomach muscles that are copping out on me a lot sooner. Sciatic pain already too, because my stomach has refused to hold its own weight.

Sleep: Started okay, but the joint pain has built up over the weeks.

Best Moment of the Week(s): Finding out this baby is NOT ectopic (long story), my u/s at 8 weeks, hearing the heart beat at home on the doppler by 10 weeks. Realizing I'm feeling movement already.

Movement: Started feeling little flutters around 13.5 weeks

Food cravings: Milk, croissants

Gender: At first I guessed girl. Then I guessed boy. Then I guessed human.

What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.

Milestones: 12-weeks was a big deal to me, as the m/c rate drops then. Second trimester (13 weeks) was pretty huge too.

Emotions: Complete yo-yo. I've been pretty irritable (like, more than normal...) At times I would freak out that this baby just would not last (also, long story) and then felt like I wasn't pregnant at all. Sometimes I would panic that, I can barely handle having Elijah (IMO), so how on earth was I going to be able to handle TWO?! What was I thinking, wanting another baby?? Those feelings came and went for a while, and then tapered off the closer I got to 14 weeks.

So there! That's the first part of my pregnancy up until now. Now for the current update (which won't be as long.)

How Far Along: 15w3d

Weight Gain: +1lb (hoping for a steady, 1-lb-a-week, weight gain...)

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: Pants, definitely yes. Tops, also yes, but I can wear a lot of my regular tops still, as they're empire waist-ed.

Symptoms: Sleepy sleepy sleepy. I take a nap almost every afternoon when Elijah sleeps. Appetite is still picky. Stuffy nose.

Sleep: Pretty crummy, and bound to get worse. Sciatic pain has kicked in in full force, and I toss and turn a lot.

Best Moment of the Week: Hitting 15 weeks??? Most of my best moments were non-pregnancy-related, like going to Cheeky Monkey's on Tuesday, although it was really nice to see a pregnant belly there and not be jealous.

Movement: Yup! It's still sporadic, but there.

Food cravings: Milk, chocolate, french fries, cucumber with cheese.

Gender: I can imagine either so clearly that I really have no guesses. Can't wait to find out though!

What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.

Milestones: None really, just week-by-week progression.

Emotions: Pretty calm this week. Excited about everything, especially the month of May. I had a really busy week, which keeps me happy.

It's still so weird to me that I'm pregnant again. It was such a miracle to have been pregnant with Elijah, and I feel humbled to have been blessed again. In so many ways, though, I wish that it could be someone else this time, and that loved ones close to me could have the family they desire. I wish there was something I could do.

I decided this time that I wasn't going to worry as much as I did with Elijah. Sometimes my worries were so debilitating, and I found myself often just wishing he could be born so that I didn't have to worry anymore (which is silly, because then I just worried about SIDS.) I resolved that this time I would not worry and be excited about everything.

And then, right after I made that resolution, my doctor called me at 5w1d and said she thought my HCG levels were too low, and that I'd miscarry or have an ectopic pregnancy. I was devastated, to say the least. We went in that day for an ultrasound and all she could see was a gestational sac. The tech wouldn't even call it that, because she felt it could have been a cyst, and I might still have an ectopic pregnancy. I went to my doctor's office next and demanded to know the exact number and demanded repeat betas to see if my levels were rising sufficiently.

The doctor called us in then and sat us down. She showed us a chart that looked like this:

> 1 week 5-50

1-2 weeks 50-500

2-3 weeks 100-5,000

3-4 weeks 500-10,000

4-5 weeks 1,000-50,000

My number was 179 at 4w3d, and so she said that it should have fallen between 1,000 and 50,000. Sadness, terrible terrible sadness.

And then!

"Isn't that 4-5 weeks after ovulation and not 4-5 weeks pregnant???"

And I was right. See, if your HCG measures above 5 at any time, you are pregnant. Most people ovulate around 2 weeks into there cycle. It would then stand to reason that a woman who has not even ovulated yet (as in, between the 1-2 weeks pregnant range) should not have any ANY hcg in her blood, let alone levels between 50 and 500! So yeah, I corrected my doctor.

My level was 179 and should have been in either the 50-500 or 100-5,000 range, which it was. All the scare for nothing. We tested my levels again anyway, and they were 2770 and then 6122 2 days later, which was a more than appropriate increase. My doctor was still sceptical, but I think it was just her way of trying to cover her tracks in predicting this pregnancy is doomed.

So, the first part of my pregnancy was off to a rocky start, and I've struggled with not worrying since. I think I'm easing up a fair bit now, and I can't wait to be further along and feel more assured. Will I ever feel totally assured though? The reality is, No. I won't. So in the meantime, I'm happy to be 15w3d.

Anyway, Elijah is up from his nap now and I have cookies to make, so the other things I was going to say will have to wait until another time. :)

P.S. I've come to a decision. I'm going to use this blog as both a blog and a journal. The journal-y posts that I don't want the world to read I'll protect, so if you come across a protected post, don't take it personally.

Also, I've had another blog since December. It was anonymous and dealt mostly with infertility. I'm going to stop blogging there, but I'd like to copy some of those posts here. I'll back-date them, so it'll look like I've been posting since December, but they're from that blog. If you'd like to read them, you're more than welcome to. Like the journal-related posts, I'm going to protect the blog posts from the other blog that I'd rather not post here for all to see.

Falling off the bandwagon

2010-09-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I've pretty much entirely missed out on September, huh? There's less than a week of it left, and this is my SECOND post, which harks back to the early days of my blog when there was nothing to write about but playing the waiting game and going to school (although, we WERE busy at that time, just with day-in and day-out stuff. Nothing worth blogging about.)

We've been up to a lot of things here and there over the last month, but I haven't had time to blog about them, or even take my pictures off the camera. I think I'm only working on this post right now because I just started uploading the photos and it says I have 451. Not only is that going to take a long time, but man, how much there must be to blog about, then, right??!

Soooo...update...

I'm just going to do a September-in-summary, because it's easier that way.

-went to a pioneer festival/craft show on Labour Day. Had lots of fun, discovered I like kettle corn popcorn, learned how to do melted glass (seriously, I always wanted to know! The finished product looks so easy, I'm sure I could do it...so I asked the vendor how he made his stuff, and then trounced off without buying anything. Okay, it wasn't so blatant as that, and we had a really nice conversation, so I don't think he was too put out. Besides, I'm not buying a kiln any time soon, so I don't think he needs to worry about competition.) Some photos of the craft show are below:

My attempt at a cool angle.

If it wasn't for those Heinz cans and the Tim Horton's cup, it'd look pretty vintage!

CUTE little boy dressed in period clothing.

-was a little sad when all the kids started school, but the sadness is going away. I registered for my last university class EVER (well, the last one I need to finish my degree anyway) and I start in January. SO excited to think that I might someday have letters behind my name, even if it's only BA (pass.)

-Matthew has a new calling now. He's been released as the stake Young Men secretary (so no registration next year...yay!) and has been called as the stake executive secretary (maybe the intensity of the last week of registration...times 5...for every week, and not just for one week. AH!) It will be a lot of work, but he's really looking forward to it. Our stake president is a great man, and it'll be wonderful working with him. And, did you know that he (the stake president) puts 25 hours of his week aside for meetings just for his calling? And then has a full-time job on top of that? And a family? That includes teenagers? Let me just say, WOW. How does he do it?

-I've had a slight calling change as well. Well, not calling change, but assignment change. I'm the 2nd counselor in primary, but now I won't have a month of sharing times every few months anymore, but instead I'll be doing music time every week. I'm really excited about doing it when I'm PREPARED. See, I've filled in many times for music time, but only when someone didn't make it, so I had to wing it. It'll be fun actually doing stuff for it, and teaching the kids all sorts of songs.

-speaking of primary, we had our pioneer activity the other week at Janine's place, and it was great! We had an awesome turn-out (only 4 kids missing) and the kids had a lot of fun. Here are some of my favourite pictures of the day:

A pioneer game we did with the kids (tug-of-war)

SO camera-trained already, I love it!

Okay, so when I asked Ryan (on the right) if Charlie (the horse) was his friend, he promptly put one arm on his hip and began talking all big-man style about how cool Charlie is and how they're besties. Matt is here trying to imitate Ryan and can't keep from laughing.

-Elijah is doing really well. He probably deserves a few bullet points, so I'll make the first one about the fair. We went to the county fair in my hometown the weekend after labour day, and I entered Elijah into the baby contest. My sister entered Ayden as well, but in a different age category. For each category there were four 1st-place prizes, being most content baby, happiest baby (seriously, what's the difference?) baby with the biggest and brightest eyes, and best matched parent and baby. And Elijah won first in one of the categories!! Can you guess which one? Yep, that's right, the biggest and brightest eyes. I take it as a compliment to myself, as it's pretty much the only feature of mine he inherited, but I really can't take credit for how they light up and twinkle when he's happy. He does that all on his own. So without further ado, here are some photos of my biggest and brightest-eyed baby!

GAH does he get any cuter?! And check out those big and brights.

Ayden won in his category for biggest and brightest eyes as well, and I'm glad they were in different age categories, because I'd hate to pit them up against eachother. Because obviously Elijah would win. Just kidding! It'd be tough though. I think Eli's eyes are brighter, but Ayden's just might be bigger.

And Preston, in good spirits while riding a horse.

-Elijah has also been VERY mobile lately. He rolls to get anywhere he wants, and started army-crawling a week or two ago. It's so cute! He also LOVES the piano, and yesterday when he thought I wasn't looking, he army-crawled across the floor to the base of it, and just stared upwards longingly until I lifted him up and sat down with him. He promptly began pounding the keys with a look of absolute glee on his face.

It's fun because now when he's grouchy there are a few things we can do to entertain him. The piano is one thing, going for a walk is another, there's the exersaucer, jolly jumper, sitting him in his highchair with the spatula, turning on the Backyardigans (although that one he is losing interest in) or even turning on the ceiling fan in one of the bedrooms. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm figuring him out.

-Elijah will be 8 months old in a few days, and I have no clue how big he is. At 7 months he was 18lb 7oz, and still 28.5" long, so I'm guessing 19 lb's and 29"??? I know he'll eventually sit, stand, walk, run, etc on his own, but it feels like it'll never happen. He still isn't pulling himself into a sitting position, although he can hold himself up when I sit him like that. Maybe it's because he's not crawling the normal way? Which I don't think he'll EVER do, because he has yet to push himself onto his knees. That whole rocking business? Forget it. Oh well. I know he's fine, I just like seeing him accomplish new things.

Oh, but here's something that IS actually concerning me. Lately he has about zero interest in baby food. He was doing really well for a while, eating 6 heaping spoonfuls of baby food in one sitting, and now I'm lucky to get down 1. I don't know what's happened, he's just lost interest. Again, I know they're just general milestones, but by 9 months I should be able to feed him textures, or pass him a piece of toast to chew on, etc, but he gags any time food sits on his tongue, and chokes once it dares to be swallowed. I don't know what to do about it, as he isn't really interested in anything but our food, like a piece of cucumber to chew on. But then, I worry that if I do that, he's going to break a piece off and choke on it. AH. He'll take fruit the best, but he's even been turning his nose up to that pretty quickly lately.

Anyone know what's going on? Can teething cause him to not want to eat? He's nursing just fine, but I really wanted to wean him by January, and he won't take a bottle and now won't even take baby food. What happened to the indepence of once they hit 6 months, and you can actually go and DO things because they can eat solids? As with every time-related milestone or goal in my life, I'm feeling pretty naive and duped. Do I stick with it though, and wait to see the doctor until his 9-month check-up in November? Or do I need to address this sooner? I feel so confused.

-we've only shown our house twice now. I'm bummed to say the least, but it IS hopeful that one wanted to buy it. They just had a maximum (supposedly from the bank) that was lower than what we thought acceptable considering the renovations we just did. But still! When will you sell, house, WHEN?! Because I'd really like to stop stressing about keeping you so clean. Tidy, a little clean, FINE, but spotless? GAH. It's never spotless, so I'm always stressing. ?Have I mentioned I don't like selling houses? Joy in the journey...joy in the journey...joy in the journey...

I can't think of much else to post on at this point, so I'm going to wrap this up now and get Elijah up from his nap.

EDIT - I'm actually finishing this the day after I wrote it, as the pictures weren't ready yet, but new thing - Eli got hives again this evening, after having a few licks of a sugar-based syrup that had been in contact with milk. Starting to wonder more and more about that allergy. This time, though, he hadn't been covered in the syrup (thank goodness! That'd make for a sticky baby) like he had been with the formula. Matt says I should take the formula and draw an "H" on his cheek and see if it gets all hive-y. I'm considering it...ha.

Showing

2010-09-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

We showed our house for the first time today!!! I know it's ridiculous, but I keep hoping and hoping that they were so hugely impressed with it that we'll get an offer tomorrow. Or the next day. See? I told you it was ridiculous.

Oh, and yes, I left freshly baked cookies out for them. ;)

I can't tell you how relieved I feel, though, knowing that we've shown it at least once in the last 2 weeks. I was starting to worry.

And by the way, it is such a violating feeling, driving away from your house with your baby and dog in tow, knowing that in a short period of time complete strangers will be arriving at your house, letting themselves in, and wandering around, analyzing what they see, and just being alone. In your house. Weird!!! I wasn't ready for that violated feeling. I also was not ready to be excited when we got home and there were closet doors open, lights turned out that were on before, and less cookies on the plate than when we left. There was even a message saying, "Thanks for the cookies, they were very yummy!" It felt like Christmas, and like Santa had left that message.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about it. Because we're moving. Selling our house. Showing it to strangers. Hopefully soon bargaining and accepting an offer. And then packing packing packing.

Oh my heck, it's really happening, isn't it?

Hives!

2010-08-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Eli got hives today! It was a sad affair. Well, not really, that's being dramatic. Here's what happened.

First of all, I'm sick. Yes, that's important to know! Because Elijah has been a little grouchy today, but probably mostly bored, and I just do not have the energy to be sing-song all the time. So he was getting fussy, and it occurred to me to try giving him some formula. Then, all at once, formula seemed like this wonderful, beautiful thing, and while I made up a bottle I had these rosy ideas of weaning him off of nursing, switching over to formula within a week, and then taking a course or two for photography this semester after all. Or maybe going to see a movie. Or go to the temple! Ahhh beautiful ideas.

He took the bottle pretty well, chewing rather than sucking the nipple, but i figured, "Hey, you've got all week to figure this out. No big deal." (the tired side of me speaking, as if I could realistically take courses this fall! Ha.) Chewing the nipple caused 1/2 of what he got out to smear all over his face and neck, and then after an ounce, he was done. As in, he screeched his disapproval, turned his head away, and grabbed a toy instead.

After a teeny bit more fussing, I popped him his soother and while doing so noticed his face was red around his mouth. At first I thought that maybe all the moisture on his face had irritated the skin, but then I noticed a little bump, and then another, and another, and I knew it was hives.

Commence undressing him and scanning his entire body for other signals of an allergic reaction, but none are really to be found.

Matthew came home in the middle of all of this, and Eli instantly cheered up (always his way when Matt's around) so I'm positive it wasn't causing him any discomfort. The hives really just appeared wherever the formula had touched his skin, including a line where it had dribbled down his neck.

I didn't think until they were almost all faded to try to get a photo (as proof, or reference, you know?) but here's what we got:

You can kindof see the line here, just before his ear, going back to just where his hair begins to level out after dipping down.

Same as above, but you can see more redness in this one. And yes, this is an upside-down photo...it was the only way to get Elijah to stay still enough for the camera to focus! And even then it did a bad job focusing.


And this is what Elijah thinks of the whole business. He's saying, "really, mummy, I couldn't care less now that daddy is home!" You can see that they're mostly gone from his face now, although there is the least bit of redness on his chin and one cheek.

So of course the only thing to do was to google "formula hives on face" and see what the results came up with. And of course the results weren't pretty, because that's what the internet does; it tells you the worst case scenario, and some little bits in between.

I've become pretty good at not taking the results I find too seriously, especially after googling spina bifida occulta and worrying about Eli having incontinence issues for his whole life, only to find out that his form is too mild to worry about such things. Why borrow trouble, right?

And just to make you laugh, here is a video detailing exactly what it was like to be me when I was pregnant and had any concern that I tried to google (sorry, I can't embed this one so it appears on my blog directly.)

Anyway, I just talked to someone and I think Merry is going to have a home! YAYness! And it's with someone I know, or someone known by someone I know, so I'm pleased. AND they take good care of their pets. I can't tell you how relieved I am (as Merry howls in the background because she's in heat...again. And yes, she only spent 9 days out of heat in between heat cycles this time...sometimes I wish I could be that fertile! HA)

I should wrap this up now so Matthew and I can watch our movie. It's my night to pick (because I'm sad and sick) so I picked Mamma Mia. Hurray!

Merry, moving, zoo, bath, and piano

2010-08-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

First, because it's frustrating me, let me say that I can't wait until Merry is gone! Is that terrible? I love my cat, I really do. She is sweet and generally good with a dash of naughtiness, and I will miss her when she's gone. But right now, I'm going nuts trying to find a good home for her. I do NOT want to bring her to the humane society, I want to find a home myself and KNOW she is being well taken care of, but seriously, ARG.

For one thing, why do people on Kijiji not read the ad fully? I've had more than one response for Merry where they change their minds after they clue in the she's not fixed. It's right there in the ad. And unrelated to Merry, but annoying nonetheless, is when I detail the scratches on a piece of furniture, and even show pictures, and then I get an email after someone's decided to get it saying, "Will you take less for it, seeing as I didn't notice there were scratches on it?" It's happened more than once.

Anyway, I'm frustrated because all I want is to find a nice home for my cat, I've had two people say they definitely want her, and then they stop responding to my emails. That hurts. Especially when I feel like I'm saying goodbye to her and then she's still here and I'm left still worrying about what's going to become of her.

And please don't question the fact that we need to give her away. We do, end of story. And no, it's not because she's bad. Because she's actually quite good. And loving. And sweet. (even if she does like to eat my flowers and put freezie wrappers in Pippin's water dish.)

"Who, me? No, you're talking about some other cat."

"Oh wait, yeah, I do that."

Anyway, enough ranting.

We helped Aaron and Rachelle move Friday and I find myself rather jealous, because Rachelle is done. She's packed, cleaned, moved, unpacked (a lot, anyway) and settled in, albeit 1.5 hours from here. All I can say is, lucky (in a Dash-from-Incredibles voice.)

Have I mentioned that selling a house sucks? Because I'm burnt out, we've had no showings yet, and I have about zero motivation to keep things clean, because it feels like it will never sell. Also, now that our house has maintained one level of superior cleanliness for so long, I feel completely out of sorts when the littlest things are out of place, which may not seem like a bad thing, but really, how can you always keep your house clean? Every last inch of it? You can't, so I'm always stressed and feeling blah about the general cleanliness of the house.

I just want to move. I want it done, over with, finished. But I can't even pack! I have to wait to do that, because it'd make our house look cluttered.

Sorry! More ranting. It's hard. Not the ranting, the moving.

Saturday we went to the zoo with Dave, Farrah, Lindsay, Duncan, and the kids. It was a lot of fun! I got a little sunburned on my arms (gotta maintain the farmer's tan!) but oh well. We brought Elijah out onto the splash pad and he had a ball! He's never enjoyed water so much, he was just splashing and kicking and laughing. Then tonight when he had a bath he was having lots of fun too, so I think he's just liking water more now. Here are some photos:

Classic photo op, but I can't get enough of the looks on Duncan's and Dave's faces!

This girl is so camera-trained! Every time I wanted to capture a candid shot of her she'd turn, bat her eyes, tilt her head just so and smile her best pageant smile ever. So very cute.

The, "Who called me?" smile.

Absolutely loving the water!

That right there is pure joy.

P just loves the babies! She wanted to play so much.

The candid right before the camera-smile.

Sweet baby D, chowing down on some healthy snacks.

He's figured out how to dunk the washcloth to soak it again, and spends most of his time in the bath sucking on his cloth!

Or dousing his face with water from the cup.

Ohhhh the wet eyelashes!

So I think I go in spurts with my picture-taking. I bring the camera lots of places, but often feel like I don't have the energy to take photos, or that I just don't feel like it, because when I'm taking photos it's ALL I'm doing, and I miss a lot of what is going on around me because I'm "seeing life through a lens" as I've heard other people say. Some moments are just so cute, though, that I think, "Quick! The camera!" and the bathtime and following piano photos were two of those times.

I love this look. I get it so often when Elijah is enjoying himself with Matt. He just looks over as if to say, "Oh mom, this is so much fun, you've GOT to try it!"

Curiously watching Matt's hands move across the piano.

Trying to play a little himself.

Start 'em early, right?

Okay, seriously, have you ever wondered how Mozart interacted with a piano at an early age? Was he even more curious and interested than Elijah? It's so cute to see Eli move his hands across the piano now and hit the keys, knowing that they'll make a sound. Cause and effect, right? I love it.

Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't photoshop any photos. I want to, I just don't have time, and if I wait to have perfect photos, then I won't be posting any time soon because I'm not going to have much free time until we move and unpack a little. Which hopefully will be before Christmas, but at this rate, I'm not so sure. **SIGH** It'll all work out. Right?

Results

2010-08-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm so sorry if this seems disjointed...I'm trying to type it while Matthew watches Star Wars, and I'm feeling rather distracted.

So today we had the follow-up appointment for Elijah's MRI. I was pretty confident going in that everything was fine, but I was looking forward to having some sort of definite confirmation anyway.

The resident doctor came in and confirmed what I had been told by Eli's pediatrician, that there is no dermal sinus tract. We're very relieved by that, because it means that he won't have to have a surgery to remove the connection (because it doesn't exist...) The dimple itself does not run very deep, but it IS on the skin right where the defect is.

So, the defect. Technically, and by the books, Elijah DOES have spina bifida occulta. Spina bifida is defined as when there is incomplete closure of the "embryonic neural tube" (aka the spine.) It's when the vertebrae (bones) are not fully formed or fused and remain open. In many instances this causes the spinal cord to protrude through the opening in the bones. Scary stuff right?

So "occulta" in this case means the the spinal cord is not protruding at all. In Elijah's case, the defects are so shallow that the spinal cord is fully encased, and there is nowhere for the spinal cord (or neural roots at that point) to protrude from.

If you run your hand down your back to feel your spine, you'll notice that you can feel each individual vertebrae because they come to a rounded point. For Elijah, this is the part that is incomplete. The "point", as I call it, isn't there for the 3 affected vertebrae. Other than that, the bone is normal and there is plenty of bone around the spinal cord, so he won't experience any spinal weakness as time goes on.

All of this is rather hard to explain in blog-form, AND I'm distracted, so please please forgive me!

The long and short of it is, he couldn't have a milder form of spina bifida. His reflexes are fine, his nerves are in tact, he feeds regularly, goes to the bathroom on his own, and moves his legs like crazy. In short, he's a perfectly normal little baby, with something a little extra special about him. We're not worried in the least about his future, as there is absolutely nothing to indicate that he will experience any side-effects of the defects. We are so very very relieved.

So we were discharged from the specialist clinic today. As we were leaving, the doctor said, "you shouldn't be here! You should be at the Well-Baby Clinic!" and I couldn't agree more. I've been walking around today calling Elijah, "My Little Well-Baby" and I'm pretty sure it's a name that's going to stick.

In other news, I received a hilarious spam email today. It was cleverly done, somehow appearing to be from one of my contacts on my safe list, but the message was so funny and obviously written by an Asian with limited knowledge of English. Here's all that the email contained:

Hi !

Long time no see ! Here is a good piece of news for you .I find a
unique original website,="(junk link)"?/.There are all sorts of
famous-brand,quality products in the shop,such as Gucci Handbag,Wallet,Polo
Clothes,Adidas,Nike shoes,Tiffany,Jewellery,Cosmetics,MAC,and so on
.Otherise,they can make wedding dress to measure if you need. The method of
payment is very simple and safe ,and they accept Paypal.So I want a pair
shoes next week,and I think you will be crazy when you got there. Good luck
to you !!

Yours

Anyway,  I've got to go to bed, as we have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow.

Renovations

2010-08-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

Usually when people ask what I've been up to lately I have NO IDEA what to tell them. I keep busy doing this and that, but I can never remember what it is exactly that I've done.

Not so for the last month of my life though. It has been a long time since I have used my free time to do things for myself (perhaps explaining the lack of posting...) Most of my Elijah-free time, and a good portion of non-Elijah-free time has been used to organize, paint, clean, and prepare our house for listing.

We listed on Tuesday (yesterday) and when we got home at 9:30pm there was a "For Sale" sign on our front lawn. It's such a strange sight! I have such mixed emotions when I see that sign. It is such a momentous thing for us, and in a big way it reminds me of when we bought the house, except the "For Sale" sign was exciting because we were moving in, and now we're moving out. I remember after we bought the house that it took a week for the "Sold" sticker to go up and I was so indignant! I wanted the whole world to know that we had bought a house. Now I have expect to see the Sold sticker on it again whenever we turn the corner to pull in the driveway, even though I know that I'd know if a sticker was going to be there.

Apart from feeling a bit like when we bought our house, though, I feel a mixture of excitement, anxiety, embarassment (because our neighbours didn't know we were planning on moving yet) sadness and happiness all at once. We've met a milestone (in managing to get our house into list-shape) and we're closing a chapter of our lives by moving, but we're also starting a new chapter, and I love the idea of possibilities. Part of me loves uncertainty because it can hold so many good things, but another part of me (and Matt would say a bigger part of me) hates uncertainty and gets stressed by it. Day to day I choose to ignore the stress because I'm happier not dwelling on it. I downplay things so that I can cope. It works pretty well, too.

So, all that being said, here are some before and after photos of our renovations. I have to take some better "afters" of the bathroom, as it was the biggest job, and all I have is the list photo.

Mulching the back gardens

Taking a picture of the garbage pile. This scene was repeated another 3 times before all the junk was gone!

What Pippin thinks of all the renovations.

My attempt at a self-photo when we had the zoom lens on.

A cluttered living room with gross pink carpets, closet doors for out bedroom, and laminate lying on the floor in packages.

Matthew puttying the hallway, and Pippin observing the work. Notice all the stains on the carpet?

More stains. And oh my goodness, Pippin has a way of being in every single photo, and yet he never poses.

Progress shot. Carpet is still down in the dining room, underlay is the dark stuff and wood is the light stuff.

Artsy progress shot? I don't know!

The finished product!

I like this so much more! No more clutter, furniture, nice floors, warm lamps, so nice!

Only one chair made it back upstairs, as the other one doesn't have the ends to the legs, so we can't stick those foam things on it to keep it from scratching the floor.

Matthew posing for a pic in the newly painted front hallway

Our bedroom before painting. The dark strip on the wall at the top was where the border used to be.

Another bedroom before. No more closet doors (well, really, mine has been gone for 3 years...we've been functioning that long without one of our doors and it has felt so messy in our room!)

Progress shot! I was really worried the colour was too yellow-y, especially compared to that dark blue-grey colour.

After shot! The colour turned out and really brightened up the room. This isn't the true after, as I actually hemmed the curtains too. I'm so proud!

See those closet doors? I installed them ALL BY MYSELF. And it was the biggest pain in the butt ever. EVER. Like, more annoying than mosquitoes, especially because it was noisy, and I did it while Eli slept.

The renovated downstairs bathroom. I don't have a before photo of this, and I wish I did, but just to remind you, there was a green toilet, a green-white vanity with a faux marble green and white counter-top, hectic granny striped wallpaper, and linoleum to match. Oh, and this mirror ended up in the upstairs bathroom, and we have a medicine cabinet in there now instead.

Not so different than before, it's just empty and painted beige rather than yellow.

More beige rather than yellow.

Broken wooden toilet seat, stained linoleum, beige toilet.

Old mirror(s) which cut you off at your stomach. I could never get a good idea of my outfit in these mirrors. Also, note the cabinet (we painted it white later)

Check out what we were dealing with. The gross dirty spot was the lovely present for us that we discovered underneath the layers of peeling bathtub paint (apparently it was a crappy paint job, because the pros would never let it peel)

Old faucet, cracked tiles, a faucet that dripped, all kinds of mildew and mold. Yummy!

Wallpaper, border, sponged paint, a broken towel rail that was installed upside down to begin with...OH and don't forget the trim that was painted the same colour as the paint. True of pretty much every room in the ENTIRE HOUSE. I could punch the last people who lived here for that, as I've had to go through and not only paint every room, but I've had to paint trim white as well. Thanks a lot, previous owners. Oh, and your welcome, future owners.

A progress shot with Tony.

The only finished shot I have right now, but look! White toilet, sink, tub, vanity, new tiles, fresh paint, a beautiful cabinet, a new mirrow, ceramic floor tiles, a new light fixture...isn't it beautiful???

And there you have it, folks! Now you know what has been consuming all of my time lately. And now you know why I'm thanking my lucky stars that Elijah waited until last week to start rolling like a madman. There's no way I'd have been able to any of this if he was as mobile a month ago as he is now.

And speaking of mobile, this evening he started pushing himself up on his hands so high that the only part of him touching the floor was his knees. I think we're not more than a month from crawling! Craziness.

Anyway, I didn't mean to make this super long, so I'm going to finish and go to bed as I am exhausted!

Pittsburgh

2010-08-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

My time is limited, as Elijah has already been down for his nap for over an hour, so I'm going to keep this one short, sweet, and mostly photos (really this time!)

Here are some pics from our trip to Pittsburgh. I got pooped after the zoo, so it's pretty much just from where Matt was speaking at the conference and from the zoo. Enjoy!

Eli and Matt at the Steak and Shake on the way there. E has been curling his bottom lip a lot since he cut that one tooth...I think he likes the way it feels.

Very very interested in food lately. Interested isn't even the right word. He makes desperate lunges at everything we eat and jumps with excitement whenever we're drinking anything, and yet, doesn't seem too interested in his own food.

Such delicious burgers...I wish I could eat them every day.

The shakes are delectable! Mine was the cookies and cream one, and it was amazing!

One of the buildings at the beautiful place where Matt spoke. It was a private high school, and including boarding it costs $40,000 to go there (US) The building pictured above is a dormitory I think. That's just insane though! One year there is more than 4 years of university here (undergrad)

Greenery.

I liked this fish.

Shady Side Academy = the name of the school

I LOVE how his eyes just twinkle!

Gazelle? Antelope? I don't know what they are, but hey, the picture turned out!

Mama and baby elephant.

"What are you looking at?"


Two lions, having a bit of a domestic dispute. I like to think they're arguing over who gets more shade, and who gets the cool side of the rock-face.

And now I've got to go because Elijah just woke up! I knew he wouldn't be long, but I'm a teeny disappointed because I wanted to write about how there is officially a "For Sale" sign on our front lawn now! Oh well. Maybe later.

A post

2010-08-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt like posting lately. I'm sorry (but only a little sorry.) I can't really put my finger on why, as it's not like I haven't had anything to post about.

We've *FINALLY* finished renovations on our house, and apart from a deep clean that is scheduled for Monday and Tuesday, it's ready to be listed. Pictures of some before and afters to come.

We went to Pittsburgh this past week for a very mini vacation. Eli was great in the car, it was nice to get away, I hardly took any photos, but it was nice to relax and not think about anything but the here and now. More to come as well.

Eli has his follow-up booked so we can officially find out the results of the MRI. Dr. A had some results at Eli's appointment last week, but he had no idea what they meant and freaked me out more than a little. Worrying ensued, I called the hospital, they called back saying everything is fine, I'm better now. Long story short, there is no connection between the dimple and spine (YAY no surgery) but there is "midline defects of L4, L5, and T1 (I think.) What does that mean? Well, that's what we're going to find out. I was all spina bifida worried, and told the receptionist so when I called to book the REAL results appointment, and they called back the next day to "confirm the appointment", but really to say that they're not in a rush to get us in because everything looks fine for Elijah and we don't need to worry. Sooooo I guess he just has a funny bone thing. Just like me (I have a fused L5, funny coincidence, huh?)

So excited because Dave and Farrah were supposed to be gone for the summer until the second week of September, but they're home now. Hurrah! Friends! Barbequing will ensue.

And now, for the real reason of this post: a cute photo of Elijah that I was messing with. I'd have more, but I haven't taken the pictures off the camera from Pittsburgh yet, and I only have "before" photos taken of the house and need to take "after" ones.

And, as always, my ability to turn a one-liner-plus-a-photo-post into a long post that is about nothing astounds even me. To bed!

My night

2010-08-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a so-so day. At times it was a bad day and I felt devoid of energy and incapable of exerting myself to even EAT, and then Matt forced me to take a 2-hour nap, and the rest of the day (from 5pm on) was great. I felt amazing, really. I love naps.

Until I try to go to bed, that is.

Fast-forward to 12pm when I crawl into bed. And cannot stop my mind from racing, and do not feel anywhere close to sleep. Theoretically, I should have had 8 hours to rest, with a couple night feedings in there. But seeing as I'm typing this at 7am, that obviously was not the case!

Reality was this:

-try and try and try to fall asleep
-Elijah waking up at 12:41am for a feeding (or at least something to calm him down after the freak-out that was him finding himself on his tummy in the middle of the night. I'm pretty sure he was pegging us as cruel parents for subjecting him to tummy time when the poor man was trying to sleep, all the while oblivious to the fact that it was he who rolled over in the first place.)
-notice Elijah's diaper has leaked pee onto his pyjamas, silently curse Huggies while thinking, "Pampers never leaked this early in the night..." change my now drunk-on-breastmilk baby, causing him to wake up and wail some more over the cruelty of a mother who would strip him down to nothing just when he had fallen back asleep, and then finally, feed him some more to soothe him and put him back down to bed
-1:20am I'm still awake
-1:30am was the last time I saw on the clock
-2-something, feed Elijah once more (or did I just dream that one? I can't remember.)
-4:15 - another feed for the E-man (seriously, what is up with this kid right now?)
-6:15 - Yet another feed. Notice I'm up as the sun is rising. Despise the sun a little bit. Put a drowsy baby back to bed.
-6:24 - drowsy baby is not drowsy anymore and wants to be up.
-6:30 - stall by turning on the mobile.
-6:37 - stall some more
-6:45 - resolve to get up with Elijah, even though he'll probably just crash at 8am anyway, conveniently just when I'm too awake to go back to bed myself.

And so here I am, with 4 hours of sleep under my belt and writing a tired, tired blog post. I would totally have made Matt get up with him instead of me, but I promised Matt yesterday evening that I'd let him sleep in as late as he wanted this morning, because work has been stressful and busy this week and it's been a while since he's been the one to sleep in. So nice of me, in hindsight.

The moral of the story? Don't take naps during the day. Really, I'm pretty sure that's what did it.

Anyway, I should go, Elijah is wanting to play, I'm wanting some food, and Pippin is wanting up. Maybe if I'm lucky Elijah will crash in 1/2 an hour and I'll try sleeping again. I think this morning, I could actually go back down and fall asleep!

Two for the price of one

2010-08-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day? What? Can this be happening?

It can. And it is.

A few little things prompted this. Like, the fact that Elijah cut his first tooth TODAY, as in, this morning it wasn't there, and this evening it is. I feel like he's growing up so fast. 6-month check-up is tomorrow, and I can't wait to see how long he is and how much he weighs.

Another thing that prompted this is my kijiji-ing. For one thing, I can't stand cheap people. They tick me off like nothing else. I understand that kijiji is like one big garage sale, but I find some people to be downright insulting when it comes to their bartering skills. I won't bother with examples, but I have MANY of them, in the short 3 weeks that I've been a kijiji-er.

While on the topic of kijiji though, we're selling our treadmill and piano, and I thought I'd post on here to see if anyone we know wants either. We're selling the treadmill for $500, but $400 if it's picked up in the next week, and we're hoping to get $2000 for the piano, which includes the bench and the cost of pro piano movers (because there's no WAY I'm letting anyone touch that piano but a pro who won't scratch my new floors!) So if you're interested or know anyone who is, pass the word along.

Then another reason I wanted to post was because I'm hungry. That might sound silly, but the truth is, I just came across some photos of my baby shower at my mom's, and when I saw the following photo, I stopped short.

Because that all looks so delicious on so many levels, and I can't help but think of Julia, whose favourite kind of food is shower food. For this very reason. You have fruit and dip, veggies and dip, meatballs, tostitos and homemade salsa dip, pickles, cake, cheese and crackers, and the best cranberry cider ever. I was already hungry, but now I'm ravenous. I want it all. And Junior Mints. Because I'm apparently quite addicted to Junior Mints.

And the last thing I wanted to post about also came from the photos from my baby shower at my mom's. It was this:

I miss that. Does the ache ever go away? The longing? The wondering? People tell me they're "done after this one" and that they've "made sure they're not having any more" and I simply can't fathom it. How would you know when you're "done?" How would you make the enormous decision to completely prevent your body from having more children? How would you feel knowing you don't WANT any more? I've wanted children for so long that I can't imagine NOT wanting children, at any point.

It's confusing. And it hurts. How silly is that! It seems like a dream though.

Did this

ever really happen?

Was this

really me?

I'm trying so hard to not feel like the one it never happens to. I just can't figure out why I feel these feelings so strongly when I have this little one to remind me that it was real:

(btw, check out the hair. I can't get enough of it.)

Anyway, I'm rambling, and it's getting late. I need to go to bed so that I can get up early and drive Matt to the office. I need the car tomorrow as I have to take Elijah for his 6-months shots. As if he isn't cranky enough with teething, now we have to poke him a couple times too! Poor thing.

Maybe I'll post tomorrow night, but then maybe I won't. That'd be a lot of posts in just a few days, and I don't want to set a bad precedent. ;)

Our weekend, among other things

2010-08-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I mentioned a while back that we were going to go to up north this past weekend in honour of the Civic Holiday and vacations in general, but it really didn`t work out. To say I was bummed would be an understatement, as we've been waiting to go for a long time, but in the end, it was for the best.

The decision was made when we thought about how we're selling our house, and how we wanted to list by today, and how going up north meant sacrificing 4 working days where I don't have to paint at home alone with a baby who is growing more and more mobile every day (and who I believe is teething and is DARN fussy when he's awake!)

And you know what? We had a wonderful weekend, lack of a vacation notwithstanding!

We finished our yardwork. We painted the entire basement. We finished touching up the bedroom. We did some laundry. We got to spend an afternoon with Joel, who was visiting for the weekend. We went to our ward bbq. We spent time at the beach, swimming in the warm water and enjoying babies and Junior Mints. We had some out-of-town friends of Aaron and Rachelle's over for dinner with A and R and we ate the most delicious food. AND to top it all off, we went to Primary, which otherwise would have been devoid of its entire presidency this Sunday, owing to Dianna's being in AB and Janine's attending a her niece's baby blessing. I, for one, feel pretty great about our weekend!

I've been made aware that my details on the moving bit have been a little lacking, and to ease some concern, let me just say that Matthew and I are doing fine. We're okay! We're paying our bills, and we're not falling into oodles of debt. But it doesn't always feel nice to just be hovering and making ends meet. I mean, sometimes you want ends to overlap, right? So that's what we're doing. We have some equity in the house that we'd really like to have in our hands, and not have stuck in the house's value, so we're selling to get that equity out. Make sense?

In the meantime, let me just say that selling a house Sucks. Yes, with a capital 's'. I think moving is super exciting, or at least the voluntary, "I chose to move" sort of moving, but this is my first time selling my house and I really *REALLY* don't like it. Suddenly I'm critical of the little things in my house, like whether or not the closet door handles are modern enough, and I'm stressed with getting the house in tip-top modernized shape, and it doesn't need to be. I could save myself a lot of stress by realizing that closet doors handles and well-sewn curtains do not sell houses.

In the meantime, we're working on the big things that really DO sell houses. Our downstairs bathroom is completely redone, we have laminate floors instead of stained, flattened, gross pink carpets in our living room, we've painted over the cat-scratched walls in the front hallway and our bedroom, and we've repaired all sorts of spots in the basement and given it a fresh coat of paint. Lots of changes, and there's more to come, seeing as we are now redoing our upstairs bathroom too. AHHH when will it end?!?! This house had just better sell quickly, I'm telling you, because we are not going to get nearly as much as we've put into it.

Anyway, long story short, all the preparations are making me tired. I haven't been posting all the random things I wanted to post this week because every spare second I get when Elijah is in bed I have been using to further the work so that we can list. On the upside though, this could all be worse. Elijah COULD be crawling. So thank heavens he isn't!

He's doing really well though. The last few nights have been really hard with him, as he's been getting up SO often, and then not napping well throughout the day, hence why I believe he's teething, but I just keep reminding myself that it doesn't last forever, and before I know it he'll be on to a different routine.

Oh, I was going to post about his MRI. It was now almost 2 weeks ago, so let's see what I can remember.

I had been SO worried that he'd be beside himself with hunger, because the MRI was scheduled for 7:15am, and I couldn't feed him any later than 1:15am, but he slept soundly, woke up happily at 5:30am, had a great drive to the hospital, even fell asleep for a bit, and then was all smiles for the entire staff. Not once did he fuss about being hungry or short on sleep, he was such a little angel! And then they put him in this cute little hospital robe and I was kicking myself for not bringing the camera. I thought to, but then I thought, "What mother takes pictures of her sad, hungry, crying baby, just so she can blog about the experience?" Really. I thought it'd be crass of me, but I really regret not bringing it and have resolved to bring my camera everywhere, crass or not, because I totally missed one of the cutest things I've ever seen Elijah doing and wearing. You could not find a happier baby that morning.

Then they gave him the needle for the I.V. and he was very sad, but I think that's understandable. It was kind of a miracle though, the nurse was really having trouble finding a vein to put the I.V. into, and was worried about poking him again and again, but it ended up going in on the first try. She said, "There was heavenly help in that, I'm telling you!" and I believe her 100%. Before we left in the morning Matthew had given Elijah a priesthood blessing, and among the other things said, Elijah was blessed that he'd not have to experience any more pain than he had to, and that totally came true.

We watched him be put under (through the I.V., so no gas mask, hurray!) and that was sad and really hard, because he was crying a little still and fighting it, and then his eyes closed, and we had to lay him down on the bed. It was so hard leaving him there, lying unconscious on the stretcher.

The MRI took just over an hour and a quarter, and when we came back he was asleep still, but not under any medication. He slept for probably 1/2 an hour then, and finally started coming around. And once more, he wasn't crying or grouchy! He just started moving groggily, smiling and making the cutest little sighs and squeals. He was like a deadweight, 17.5 lb newborn to hold, and man, he was high as a kite. It was kind of hilarious how happy he was, and totally unconcerned about everything, even the fact that he hadn't eaten in 9-10 hours. It took about an hour more for him to recover enough to feed, and then we were finally able to come home.

We don't have the results yet, I need to book an appointment with the doctor who ordered the ultrasound, but we're hoping that we don't have to come in and that she can give the results over the phone (especially because that would mean there's nothing to come in FOR and that he's totally fine.)

So there. A big long story, sadly without the cutest photos ever. Because that's what they would have been.

And now for other photos, just to make up for the lack of MRI photos:

Elijah has been doing this hilarious shrugging thing whenever he's happy and being coy (in my opinion!) It's like he's trying to look at you shyly!

Eli has been falling cuddling and falling asleep like this more and more. I love it!

Could she possibly look any more hilarious and adorable? She looks like she's from the 60's!

Eli wit his Uncle Joel. It was their first time meeting, and they hit it off pretty well!

Terrah was being so cute, watching Rachelle eat, smiling lots, and generally just being her beautiful self.

Some serious toe-chomping going on here. He really only does it when his feet are bare, but it's so cute.

So there! I have lots more photos to post of the renovations we've been doing, but I'll save that for another post because this is getting super long. Oh well!

The long and short of it is, we had a good weekend!

Too much

2010-07-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

There is too much to post on right now, so I'm picking one little thing, because it's 11:57pm, and I should have been in bed 2 hours ago.

A couple weeks ago I got together with some of my girlfriends from highschool and we had a picnic, all oldschool on blankets under trees with sandwiches, strawberry shortcake and lemonade. It was delish, the babies were beautiful, fun and good when they weren't cranky, and I had a ball.

I love getting together with these ladies. We've all kind of gone our own seperate ways, but it is such fun when our worlds are brought back together once more for an afternoon, especially when our numbers are increasing thanks to littles, and when the get-togethers are made all the more joyous with pregnancy announcements (not me, I promise.)

That being said, most of the pictures I took were of the babies, so I'm just going to post a few of the good ones here.

"And who might you be??"

Loving the face Anne is making

Anne and her beautiful daughter, Eden.

Bashful Eden, who like to stare at my big camera, but was otherwise generally content to not smile.

Sweet girl.

Couldn't get enough of her!

And neither could Elijah, apparently! I LOVE this above photo...it's my background right now.

Ohhh how that smile unhinges me!

I had a great time, and part of me wishes that I had the camera out more, but then, I was busy eating, taking care of Eli, and spending time relaxing. So oh well.

Coming up soon: posts on Elijah's MRI, home renovations, and general updates.

But first, before I finish, I have to take note of the date. Elijah is officially (well, I guess now that it's after midnight, it's not so officially...) 6 months old. I have a 6-month old. That's not sounding so young anymore! He's getting bigger and bigger. He's rolling deliberately and frequently. He loves standing. He laughs at the silliest things, and when he's in his carseat and happy he scrunches up his shoulders so that all his neck fat goes to his face, and then, he beams. Like, with his whole soul, he just GLOWS. Cutest. Thing. Ever. I need to capture it on camera!

And now, for bed. I wouldn't be going to bed so late if Matt wasn't still up playing Starcraft 2, which came out today. I have one hooked husband.

And I keep finding more to say. Good night!

Overloaded

2010-07-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today is a pretty emotional day for me. There are so many good things going on in our life together right now, but they come at a price.

My day started out with Elijah waking up at 6am, not wanting to feed, just wanting to be up. It's been his thing lately, to get up anywhere between 5:30 and 7am, be up for an hour or so, feed, and then go back to bed for another hour or two. Around here, we don't have a solid schedule in terms of times, we just do the same general thing with a leeway of about 2 hours.

So I got Eli up, opened up my computer, and signed in to my email to respond to the 9 emails from Kijiji buyers that I had had over the course of Sunday. We're selling a bunch of stuff on Kijiji (or what feels like a bunch of stuff to me.)

Why are we selling stuff on Kijiji?

Because we're moving.

I know! Completely out of left field, right? If I haven't told you yet, it's because it's too new to me still to have the energy to call people and have long exhaustive conversations about it, hence the blog post.

So we've decided to move. Right now we're working on emptying our house of the stuff we don't plan on taking with us, which is a lot because at the moment we're in a house of 2200 sq. ft. total (including basement levels) and we'll be moving to an apartment of about 800-900 sq.ft., which means 1300 sq. ft. of downsizing. We'll have 1 living room instead of 3, 2 bedrooms instead of 3, and a desk rather than two home office stations. When I put it like that it sounds kind of sad, but it actually feels good to pare down and get rid of stuff we barely use, and keep what we want.

The real sad part is that we'll have one dog instead of one dog and one cat.

Yes, we're giving Merry away (cue tears and sad music.)

This was a hard decision to make, and my heart feels very heavy right now. At first we talked about moving into an apartment so small that we would have no choice but to give her away. Now we're moving into a bigger apartment (well, that's our plan anyway) but we've decided to keep with giving Merry away. There are a number of reasons, but the big ones are:

1) I don't feel it would be fair to ALL of us to be in a small apartment with 2 adults, a baby, a dog and a cat. It'd just be too crammed.

2) Where on earth would be put a litter box in such a small apartment?

It's hard though, because I love my cat oh so much.

This morning, to ease the parting blow, I called a pet store to see if they were open before 9 so I could go and get her some toys to go with her to her new home. They weren't open yet, but the nice man said to come by anyway because he was already there, so I hopped in the car and bought her some toy balls and a kitty kong that she loves playing with.

Today is just plain sad! I listed the ad for her on Thursday, figuring it'd take a while to find a home for her given how many other adult cats were listed on Kijiji, but we had a response by Saturday and I feel shocked with how quick everything has been! Merry will be gone today or tomorrow, our couch and chair from the living room is gone, and our furniture from the basement is gone too (the beige stuff.) There's nowhere to sit in the living room or Matt's office, and the rec room is already looking sparse, as the office chair is gone from that desk. Soon the desk will be gone too, and we have people coming by today or tomorrow for the treadmill, patio furniture, white glider chair, and an old bike.

Weird weird weird weird!!

We have someone downstairs at this very moment tearing down wallpaper in our ugly bathroom, and someone coming by later to tear out the toilet and vanity. Work on that bathroom will continue to move forwards over the course if the next couple weeks, and we have someone coming by this week to start work on replacing our living room floors with laminate. We have a busy few weeks ahead of us, but if we're diligent we just might have our house listed in 2-3 weeks! What can I say? We're people of action. When we want to be!

Life feels a little confusing right now, and my mind feels a little overloaded by all of our recent decisions. I have more to post about - general stuff going on in our lives, but I just don't have the energy at this moment to type it all out! Hopefully I'll have another blog post up by the end of the week, so keep checking in for a more normal, day-to-day post!

I needed that

2010-07-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of those days. The kind of day where I wake up with my period, Matt is rushing out the door for work, I don't have energy to make breakfast, Elijah is fussing, then crying, then squealing/screaming and nothing (let me repeat, nothing) will make him happy, and I'm sitting on the floor, staring off into space while dangling a toy in a screaming baby's face. Then I glance at the clock, and it's 9:10am. So much more time to go before it's even LUNCH. Calling a friend to vent, calling Matt to cry, eating chocolate ice cream at 10am (did I mention I'm glad I'm eating chocolate again?) and staring around at the messy messy house, determined to not clean it, even though it'll make me feel better.

Don't worry, my day didn't turn out so poorly as it started, but it was a bit of a doozy. I resolved to get something for myself done, so I bunkered down and sewed Matt's new apron that I was putting together for him. Yes, it was an apron for Matt, because he does all the cooking, and on Sundays he's wearing a white dress-shirt that he doesn't like getting dirty, so for 5 years he's worn my "Pampered Bride" one, and I thought it was time for a manlier apron. It has brown and black stripes and I'm oh so proud.

But anyway, my day. It was a bad day for Elijah. He was seldom happy the entire day, though he did take a number of naps. Matt stayed home from work from 3pm on to help out (SO grateful) but Eli even screamed like a banshee for Matt. It was tough. Then this evening we went to the beach and he was a little doll, so that made up for it a lot. Until he started screaming again! Except it didn't feel so bad when it wasn't non-stop. I can take it in small chunks!

I know I'm rambling now. I'd say I'm sorry, but it'd be a lie. It's my blog! I can ramble.

So, all in all, it was an okay day. The tubing this evening was fun (though painful at times) and the lake was beautiful and the perfect temperature. We had McDonalds for dinner which was just what I wanted (gross, huh? But I think I'm low on salt right now because all I've been wanting are McDonalds fries) and then we headed home, Elijah back to screaming his little head off, bless his heart.

He's in bed now, and I'm thinking that he's going to be in the crib starting tomorrow (but don't tell Matt, just in case I change my mind. Don't want him getting his hopes up.)

I feel pooped though. There were little rays of beautiful light today, but there were so many rough spots too, where I feel like I can't handle it alone.

Then, I went to lds.org and saw this video:

And all I can say (through the tears and near-sobbing) is, "I needed that."

A day of firsts and pics of Eli

2010-07-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

So many firsts to write about, so little time! I guess that's what happens when I don't post much more than once or twice a week.

Yesterday was a big day for Elijah, or at least it felt that it was. It was his first day in size 3 diapers for one thing, although that is admittedly not terribly exciting. A little sad I suppose, he's growing so fast, but I'm excited for every milestone, and there is much to look forward to as he grows older.

Another first from yesterday involved Elijah's first swim. He took it pretty well, and didn't even cry, although he did look a little startled and confused by everything that was going on. Here is a cute picture of him with Matt:

and Elijah being dried off in his one-fish-two-fish towel (I think his favourite part of the evening):

And the last big first from yesterday was Elijah's first time eating solids! Well, sort of solids. He had some rice cereal but it was very watered-down by breast milk. In a few days we'll try mixing it with formula instead, but as he hasn't had any formula yet either, we thought it wise to not try two new things at once.

Here are a few pictures of Elijah's first spoon-fed experience:

He took a little bit of coaxing, but after a few attempts he figured out that he needed to open wide for the spoon.

Enjoying his food!

Feeding him was a little difficult as he kept leaning forwards to gnaw on the edge of the bumbo and also to grab his feet, like so:

A new habit of his.

So happy grabbing his feet.

Today Elijah grabbed his feet and stuck his toes right in his mouth, and proceeded to chomp on them, it was the cutest thing! Now whenever he is on his back his feet are straight in the air and he is making swipes at his little toes. Suffice it to say we believe he has discovered his feet. Another first! Oh, AND today he rolled from back to front for the first time. What an over-achiever!

And just because he is so adorable, here are some more photos of him:

A brief smile between some major fussing at mum and dad's place. We were selfishly staying a little late, trying to play a game with Rob, Kira, Aaron and Rachelle. I think we're going to have to start being responsible parents quite soon...

A pretty blurry photo, but it looks like Elijah is pointing at Matt and laughing!

Smiling between some more fusses at Swiss Chalet on Canada Day. He was such a trooper though, and was good for us all day.

In between all of our craziness we had our birthdays (which, I suppose, contributed to some of the craziness!) and spent some good quality time together. I'd go into it more right now, but I'm just too tired. I think there are even a bunch of things that I was going to write about Eli and other things not related to our birthdays, but they've all slipped my mind. Oh, one was how my dental work is done (**shakes hands in a silent cheer**) and another is how I've had Backyardigan songs going through my head for days. Ummm...nope, that's all I've got. Not too exciting, but we're happy and life is good. Matt's 29 now and I'm 26, and one of my favourite past-times right now is imagining all of the possibilities that 26 will bring for me. I hope it's a wonderful year, but to be honest, it's going to kinda hard to beat 25, because 25 was just that beautiful.

Here's to life.

Birth Announcement

2010-06-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

Really quick, here it is!

Yes, I really did send out birth announcements this late after the birth. I figure if wedding thank-yous have a year to be sent then birth announcements have at least that. They're way more fun and important. Here's the little update I added to the back of each one:

Sooooo it's a little late in coming, but here is our newest addition!

It’s hard to believe it’s already been 4 ½ months since Elijah was born. The time is going by so fast, and we are doing our best to cherish each moment. Words can’t describe how blessed we feel to be the parents of this sweet little boy.

Eli has (obviously!) grown a lot since he was born. He is now over 16lbs and measures a whopping 29”. He’s going to be tall, just like Matthew!

He loves to squeal and make little shrieking sounds to himself, and he seems to have a coy personality. He kicks so hard in his bed that you can hear the thumping from the basement, and he’ll frequently twist around in bed until the morning, when he has come full circle from where he started the night before.

Elijah giggles, smiles, rolls (sometimes), blows raspberries, and chews on his hands. He is an avid eater, and he definitely has the coolest rooster-do we’ve ever seen on a baby.He’s everything we ever dreamed of and more, and we are so happy to spread the news of our love and adoration for this sweet baby Eli.

Today is Matthew's birthday and we've had a good time this evening celebrating. I made cupcakes, and they were quite delicious. I'm going to have to write about it all another day though, because it's late and it's bedtime.

Picnic!

2010-06-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Matthew and I went to this beautiful park here in town for a picnic, pictures, and a walk. I had such a great time! It was so reminiscent of when we first started dating, and we had fun recounting that first date nearly 6 years ago.

I made sure we brought the camera so that we could **FINALLY** take some nice photos with Elijah and I. We don't really have any yet. I love the photos that we took, but sadly my favourites were overexposed. **sigh** I'm still working on getting the settings right. It's frustrating, because on the camera screen they looked fine. Oh well. I told Matt that if we couldn't do it very well ourselves, we were just going to have to hire a photographer to do some nice family photos of us.

Anyway, here's what we came up with:

(wish this wasn't overexposed!)

(attempt at a family photo. It's *REALLY* annoying and difficult to do because I have to set the timer and get the exposure right without me being in the photo. I'm thinking we're going to get a photographer to do our photos sometime in the fall.)

Not too much else is going on with us. Just a nice, quiet Saturday of hanging photos, preparing Sunday lessons, and playing games.

Happy Saturday!

100th post!

2010-06-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have officially, as of this post, written 100 posts! Well, I've written 105, but I haven't published 5 of those because they became outdated before I finished them...haha.

My 100th post will be almost completely riddled with photos, although only a few are of Eli. (edit - I intended to make this mostly photos, but it turns out I had a lot more to say than I had originally thought, so....sorry! There are still lots of photos! To me.)

This past weekend was the Strawberry Festival in my hometown, so I mosied on down there and walked the town with my sis (except when we were retreating from the rain!) We had a great time, and I was able to get some really cute photos of her and my nephews. Here's what I came up with:

P would NOT pose for photos! He would run past me with this big grin on his face, or he'd hide behind my sister. In this photo she had just turned him around, and he hid again! Little rascal. He even went as far as to pull the hide-under-mommy's-skirt trick, which he's apparently never done before! I really drove him crazy, following around with the camera.

Here's how happy he is to finally be in a place where he can't escape! There I am with the camera but he hasn't noticed me yet. I say, "P, smile!!" and he goes (within seconds) from a "Huh?" face to a full out scowl! Reminds me of myself actually.

His little brother, A, was much more co-operative! My sister said that he smiles lots and then clams up as soon as a camera is pulled out, but I didn't get that from him. I don't know why! Maybe it's because he was just playing and I was taking pictures whenever he turned my way. He's not much of a performer.

He is OH so cute!

Maybe I just caught him in a really good mood??

So we hung around the house for a bit and then took off to the strawberry festival wherewe ate Panzerolis for lunch and were just about to get strawberry sundaes for dessert when it started raining. It was terrible timing! Especially because it was at that opportune moment when I ran into a friend from highschool, and I would have loved to catch up for a bit, but alas, we had to get the babies out of the rain.

So we went home and then went back an hour or so later for the sundaes, and without A. P was super tired and not feeling 100%. The kid even turned down pony rides, going on bouncy slides and castles, and a few bites of his mum's sundae! Poor kid. I don't remember where this came from, but I love this face that I caught on him at one point:

Completely unenthused.

And here's my sundae:

I took the picture and my sister said, "Did you really just take a picture of your icecream?" I think maybe she was embarrassed to be seen with me for that moment, but I just replied, "Of course I did! How else will I be able to blog about it??"

Then I high-tailed it home, changed because I was SO warm, speed-fed Eli, and then was off again to a bridal shower. I won't post any photos from that (except a cute on of Eli at the end of this) because I've realized that I'm not very good with indoor, fluorescent light-lit, more-than-one-person sorts of settings. It's a weakness of mine that I need to work on.

Here are a couple photos of Eli from earlier in the day at my mum's house:

Peekaboo!

Happy boy!

So in about a month we're going to be starting Eli on baby foods, but in the meantime I've been allowing him the taste of little things here and there. At the shower I had a piece of watermelon that I was letting him lick, but he wasn't getting a whole lot off of it, so I bit into it so that there'd be more juices. Well, there were more juices, and he was loving it until a little piece that was dangling off the watermelon got into his mouth and stuck in his throat, causing him to all out choke. Scariest. Moment. Ever. Like, women around me started gasping, and I just looked at mom and said, "I don`t know what to do." I was patting his back which I have since learned is NOT the thing to do, and she said to just stick my finger in and scoop it out. I did so, but only succeeded in pushing it back more. CRAP! Then he spit it up on his own, and I caught it as it oozed out of his mouth. In minutes he had forgotten about it, but I am *STILL* scarred. Like, when I started typing it out my heart started racing. He fell asleep a few minutes later, no doubt pooped from the whole experience, and he looked so cute and peaceful that I had to snap some photos of him like that (besides the fact that it distracted me from the traumatizing experience!)

So I'm chalking the whole thing up as a learning experience. Now I know. Don't pat the back. Scoop it out. Raise their arms above their head. Take a child resucitation class. Seriously! I'm looking into taking a two-day St. John's class on infant and child first-aid in my area. Anyone interested in taking it with me? It'll mean a Saturday/Sunday thing, which I've always avoided, but you know what? I feel this is pretty darn essential, so I'm going to let the one Sunday slide.

Anyway, not too much else is going on here. The skies are grey and they're calling for lots of thunderstorms this evening and I am excited (like, Steve the monkey excited.) There was an earthquake today but I unfortunately did not feel it, as I was out for a walk with Elijah. I feel so ripped off! There was one when I was in highschool too, and I didn't feel that one either. I don't want to feel a big one, but I'd like to experience the shaking a little TEENY bit. Just once. Oh well. I should be grateful really, living in such a sheltered area of the world and I AM grateful. Just a tad foolish too.

As an aside, I love hearing from the other room Matthew saying things like, "Aren't you the cutest of all babies?" and whistling "I Am Like a Star Shining Brightly" to Eli. Melts. My. Heart. Oh, and then there's, "Hush little baby don't say a word...................that's all."

So our race is in 6 days and I am totally not ready! I have come to a conclusion, which is that I just don't have time to run every day right now. Not when I can't run with Eli or put him in daycare at the Y for the hour I work out. We're still going to do the race, but it'll probably end up being 50/50 for running/walking.

I'm reading a book right now by Emily Watts, and it's called "Take Two Chocolates and Call Me in the Morning." I'm really liking it so far! The first chapter has already revolutionized my outlook on my day and my time. The first chapter is, "Know When to Say No" and she makes the point that you can't say yes to everything. Not rocket science, right? But she also points out that when you say "yes" to one thing, you are automatically saying "no" to a whole myriad of other things. I had never looked at it that way! That choosing to do one thing makes me incapable of doing another, and I shouldn't stress over this fact. I just need to choose wisely.

So, in the case of running, I have to say "no" right now, because if I say "yes" to running, it means saying "no" to other things, like napping, cleaning and relaxing. Right now I feel like those things are trumping running, and that that SHOULD be okay. But along with that comes accepting my body the way it is, if I'm not going to do a lot to change it right now, which makes this a more loaded decision than it appeared at first. The conclusion of it all is that I will walk regularly WITH Elijah, so that I'm more active day-to-day and it's something I can do when Elijah is awake. I'll also keep not eating chocolate, and I'm going to make an effort to cut back on all sweets, rather than just the chocolate ones (because I'm quite proficient at concocting other sinfully delicious creations that may not assuage the craving for chocolate, but that definitely feed my sweet tooth!)

Aaaaaaaand that's all I have to say! Random finish, I know, but Matthew is looking after Eli and is not feeling so hot, so I'm going to go relieve him. I'll finish this off with a super cute photo of Eli and Matthew:

A mom like that

2010-06-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I've been at this "mom" thing for almost 5 months now (can you believe it?!) and I'm learning more and more about who I am and who I want to be. Some days I despair because I feel the disparity between the two is so great that I'll *NEVER* get there, but mostly I think it's just something you work on. Also, I don't think anyone feels they are as good a parent as they actually are. It comes with the territory of living inside of your own head.

One of the things that I'm realizing is how much work having a baby is! I always knew it would be, but seriously. It tires me out. Sometimes what I need is to take a good look around, and draw inspiration from others who are doing it and doing it well, and then I feel more motivated and downright excited for the future (because it truly is beautiful!)

I draw inspiration from a number of sources, but my favourite ones are (true to form for me!) a few blogs that I adore. There's the photography one, an eating healthy for families one, and this great little one that combines endless craft ideas with photography skillz. That particular blog I found through my sister-in-law (the author of it is my sister-in-law's sister-in-law!) when she was having a photo contest and we were sent there to vote for Aaron's and Rachelle's photo (although I admittedly voted for a different photo because I liked it better, and that's what voting is for, right? Not that I didn't love the one of A and R too! Sorry R.) It's great though, because the author, Heather, has combined her photography with her love of doing crafts with and teaching her kids, and it has gone from one thing I find inspiring (her photography) to more and more things I'm inspired by (spending quality AND quantity time with your kids.)

Here are some examples of the things that she does with her daughters:

Baking with her kids

Making learning things fun, like this table-setting placemat

Gospel-centre ideas, like teaching the true meaning of Easter through an Easter-egg hunt

Anyway, I highly recommend you check the website out. You won't be disappointed, and you'll be motivated to do all sorts of fun things with your kids too!

Here's the website again: Heather Lynne

Photos of Eli to come (my battery is seconds from dying!)

My Life Right Now

2010-06-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've kinda fallen off with the whole posting thing. I can really only write a post when Elijah is sleeping, and lately instead of posting I've been working out during my limited free time.

So the race! A little anxious, really. The good news is that, even on days where I feel like I've pushed myself a fair bit and am hoping it's not too far, Eli has yet to push me away and demand tastier milk. Which, to me, means I'm doing just fine with the jogging bit and can keep it up. Now, if only my BODY would allow me to keep it up, I'd be set!

This week I've been jogging and I did Yoga once. I really enjoyed the Yoga, but the next day the muscles in my legs were stiff from all the stretching, and they're still a little sore, so maybe I need to ease into it a bit more. It is my goal to be able to touch my toes, though! I haven't been able to since I had my back problem when I was 13. That's nearly half my life ago!

So I've been busy working out. Then I've had things like VT'ing appointments, a doctor's appointment, and dentist appointments. My fillings are filled and I'm about to get my mouth guard which I'm really excited about (how boring and grown-up is it to be excited about getting a mouth guard???) Seriously, though, it'll make my life happier. I clench my teeth at night and sometimes grind them, and lately I've been having headaches or migraines because of it. So, life will be happier soon.

Eli had his 4 month shots today (a couple weeks late) and it went well. At least, as well as poking a defenseless baby can go. He cried, but he got over it faster than he did for his 2-month ones, and he hasn't needed Tempra, AND he didn't freak out this evening whenever he moved his little legs. So score. He weighed in at 16 lb's 1 oz (can we say "growth spurt"?? He has gained 1lb 2oz in 3 1/2 weeks.) which is the 50th percentile, so average and nothing to worry about. He's 28.5" now, so he's gained a half inch in 3.5 weeks too. That could explain why his sleeping patterns have changed.

It's so funny to say this of a 4 1/2-month old, but he used to sleep through the night. USED to. Those were the good old days! Then a couple weeks ago, it all changed. It started with a 2:30 or 3:30am feeding instead of 4:30-5am. Then it became a 1-2am feeding AND a 5am feeding. Now it's looking like 1am, 3:30 (sometimes), 4:30-5, 6-7am (at which point he's up and NOT falling back asleep) and then 9am or so, when he goes back to bed for his first nap of the day. I am TIRED. And I think it's that much harder when I was getting used to sleeping through the night. It's like having a newborn all over again! Except now his feeds are 10m or less instead of 45m-1hr.

Another reason for the tiredness may be a lack of iron. STILL. I don't really know, but I'm beginning to suspect something is up with my body. I talked to an iron-deficient veteran, and she said that it could take 2-years for an anemic person's body to recover. 2 YEARS!! I personally don't think it'll take my body that long, because I wasn't anemic perse, I had just lost a heck of a lot of blood and so of COURSE my hemaglobin levels were low. So I was hoping that once the blood replaced itself I'd be fine, but now I don't know. I'm still so tired all the time. So I'm going to look into that.

So Father's Day is coming up, and so is Matthew's and my birthdays. I've got Father's Day covered, but I'm still drawing a blank on Matt's birthday! I usually am full of ideas, but this time, nadda. At least, nothing that takes less than 2 1/2 weeks to prepare. It doesn't help, of course, that Matt has been reminding me every single day (EVERY.SINGLE.DAY) that he already has my gifts and it's not the day before my birthday. He does it because he knows it drives me crazy, wondering and guessing, and also because he's proud that he has gifts taken care of before me. But seriously. What am I going to get/do for him?

Oh! Fun in the life of Holly = getting a cheque in the mail from the government for $330, along with a promise of another cheque in December and another one next June. Matt says it's to make people more cheerful and less likely to complain about the HST thing next month, but seeing as I wasn't complaining to begin with, it's a bonus to me. Thank-you, government! I feel like I just got a bail-out.

I turned to Matt after eyeing the cheque and asked, quite innocently I might add, "Can I keep it?" to which Matt warily replied, "What are you going to do with it? Spend it over time on dinners at Kelsey's?" to which I (indignantly) replied, "No! I'm going to save it."

In the end he wanted me to save it in the savings account, but I objected strongly to that, because we're about to use that money to repair our car's brakes, pay land taxes, and get Merry and Pippin up-to-date on their shots and grooming. We have the money for all of that, but if I put the money in there, then it'd just get spent on some random BORING thing like getting Merry fixed, which is SO not a necessity (right now, because she's not in heat. I might reconsider when she actually IS in heat...) No no, I don't want this hard-earned, government-is-actually-giving-ME-money-rather-than-the-other-way-around money to go to something so mundane. I'm going to save it and buy a pretty pretty camera or a shiny, new lens.

Anyway, I'm starting to bore myself, I'm so sorry!

Here are some fun and unboring photos (at least to me, because I know and love these people.)

So I did have captions that were brewing in my head at the time I was photoshopping these photos, but it's nearly midnight and I am not evening going to attempt being witty at this point, because it'd only be a bid fail. AND the screen is going blurry I'm so tired. (aaaaand upon proof-reading this paragraph, I totally caught the two spelling mistakes, but I'm going to leave them in there, just to drive you crazy, and also to prove my extreme exhaustion. I'm so tired I started typing words that are still words but not the words I was looking for. Haha)

So goodnight!

Committed

2010-06-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

I did it. I just signed up for my first 5k race. I think my heart is actually beating faster just thinking about it.

When is the race?

3 weeks today.

Am I insane?

Just maybe!! I can go the full 5k (I can go further actually!) but I combine jogging with walking still. Hopefully by race day I'll have no problems running the full 5. We'll see.

Pictures and stuff coming tomorrow. Or the next day. ;)

My frenemy, Chocolate

2010-05-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

First, may I just say that I love the term "frenemy?" It fits on so many levels, and we really don't have an equivalent for it anywhere else in the English language. It totally describes the love-hate relationship that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.

I've had frenemies before in my life. They come and they go. My most recent bestie/worstie (see? isn't "frenemy" easier?) is chocolate. Chocolate and I, we go way back.

***the view goes all blurry, and you are confronted with a 3-year-old Holly looking highly suspicious, alone in the quiet kitchen***

My first memory of chocolate goes back to the Caistor Centre days. My mom was putting my little brother down for his nap, and I was climbing on the counter, nabbing the bag of chocolate chips, and dumping them into a margarine container. I then hid, but I didn't eat the chocolate chips. Not yet, anyway. I waited, biding my time, until my mom put Justin down in his crib and left, closing the door behind her. I snuck into his room, crawled underneath his crib, and lay there, stuffing my face with chocolate and laughing into my hand as I heard them looking for me throughout the whole house, whispering my name, and completely avoiding my little brother's room for fear of waking him up.

Crafty, for a 3-year-old, huh?

I have memories of eating all the *good* Hallowe'en candy within 2 days of getting it, and of stealing my sibling's once mine was gone. Memories of sneaking a Big Turk from the treat cupboard with the cookbooks, sneaking off to the attic to eat it in peace and hiding, and discovering that it's only chocolate coated and therefore not worth my time, so I stuffed it somewhere up there and left it to rot. Memories of trying to steal a Skor bar from the local corner store and getting caught doing it (I don't think you've ever heard THAT one mom!) and still my penchant for chocolate was not quelled.

When I was 10 and visiting a friend in Pennsylvania in the summertime, my parents thought they'd surprise me by clearing out the attic and moving my bedroom up there (seriously, coolest bedroom ever.) When they went to go move my bed, countless wrappers that I had stuffed between the headboard and the wall fluttered to the ground, and finally, that age-old question of, "where did the lunch snacks go?" and, "who ate my chocolate bar???" were answered. It was I, the Chocolate Thief.

So many more chocolate memories. Starting my day off with a good chocolate bar, saying to wondering friends, "my body doesn't know what time it is, only my brain does. And my brain wants chocolate." Cookies from subway, malt balls for snacks.

When I was in highschool and visiting up north, I went to the corner store and wanted a chocolate bar, but couldn't decide between 3 kinds, so I got them all, figuring I'd eat them all eventually. I can't tell you how angry I was at my boyfriend who had told me how grossed out he was that I'd actually eat 3 chocolate bars, and that 1 wasn't enough (seriously, I felt like he was calling me fat to my face, and I was actually very thin.)

Yes, as I said, chocolate and I go way, way, WAY back.

A while ago I started joking that I was addicted to chocolate. Then, a year or two ago I started seriously considering that I was. Then, recently, I looked into it further, and have come to the realization that I most definitely AM addicted to chocolate. I show so many of the symptoms of having an addiction that there's really no doubt about it.

Here's the list of symptoms I show:

1) Tolerance - the need for more in order to have the desired effect (SO true. Chocolate bars rarely cut it now, and when I crave chocolate, I want REAL chocolate, like a rich, decadent cake.)

2) Withdrawal - umm, self-explanatory and most definitely present.

3) Difficulty cutting down - try the fact that I was having SOMEthing chocolate every single day. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gone ONE DAY without chocolate.

4) Extreme mood changes

5) Weight loss or gain - I'm sure I've gained weight for other reasons than simply eating chocolate, but it's definitely up there.

6) Secretiveness - Hahahahaha, yes, there have been times when I've been secretive. Like when I get chocolate and eat it all without ever telling Matthew. Or when I eat all the Werthers Chocolate in one sitting and then hide the wrappers in the laundry room garbage so Matthew doesn't see them all in the upstairs garbage and KNOW that I ate all that chocolate.

7) Lying - Oh, you mean making 8 cookies so I could have 4, and then convince Matthew that I only made 6, and therefore only ate 2???

8) Stealing - So I don't steal a whole lot these days, but if Matthew has something chocolate that he doesn't eat within a few days, it's gone.

9) Repeated unexplained outings, often with a sense of urgency - yes, but usually it's an explained outing in which I drag Matthew to multiple corner stores looking for the exact chocolate bar that I'm craving because nothing else will do.

So there. I'm sure there are funny stories that I'm missing, but I have to save what little shreds of self-respect I have left, and not share EVERYthing. Because I was already sharing a big one, 'fessing up about that Skor bar (and for the record, I was a kid at the time. Probably 8 or 9.)

Anyway, as you can see from my experiences, I am addicted to chocolate. It is my frenemy. I love it, because it tastes so good, and I hate it because it's bad for me. I love it because it makes me feel happy, and I hate it because it has me completely bound and dependent on it. I'm such an emotional eater, and lately I've noticed that whatever emotion I'm feeling, chocolate will always make it better.

Angry? Chocolate can help.

Sad? Let chocolate melt it all away.

Happy? Let's celebrate by eating chocolate!

Okay, so I lied. Not every emotion is made all the better with chocolate. Feelings of guilt and a deflated self-worth are made worse when I give in, and because "giving in" had been happening daily, I was feeling pretty crummy about myself.

So I've decided to swear myself off of chocolate. Not for good, but for a while. A long while. A YEAR while. Or, as I mentioned in my previous post, until I get pregnant again (which helps on days where a year sounds like a long time.) I honestly don't know what I'd prefer. I want to do this. I feel like I need to do it for my self-esteem, to prove to myself that I can, and to accomplish something. I'm not very good at the whole temperance and self-mastery thing, but I can change that, and I will.

It has been *HARD* so far. I've been about to give in so many times, but I don't for whatever reason, and I always feel good about myself, going to bed and knowing another day has passed and I still haven't caved. Now I have the momentum of 17 days behind me, and a month is feeling very attainable. And if I can do one month, then what's to stop me from doing 2?

Yes, I crave chocolate. Yes, I'm addicted, and yes we're long-time frenemies. But I CAN kick this. I WILL kick it. And you know what? I'm going to look great when it's all done. Not because I'll have lost weight (even though I hope to.) Not because my skin will clear up (seriously, at this age, it'd be a miracle,) and not because I'll have lost that feral glint in my eye that says the addiction is hitting me hard and I need chocolate STAT. No, I'll look good because I'll walk with a little more self-confidence. I'll have built my self-respect, and I'll have conquered something that was really hard to do. Because I'm awesome, and I can do hard things. Yes, it's going to be a good year.

So what is it that you crave? What are your frenemies? Do share, and make me feel a little more human and normal!

The umpteenth update...you bored yet?

2010-05-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been neglectful of my blog of late! I guess there are a few reasons.

One, I've been doing lots of family-ish things, and they've been keeping me a little pre-occupied.

Two, I haven't been taking many photos, so I haven't been posting, because I feel like there's not much to post about.

And three, I've been feeling unmotivated when it comes to posting on here, mostly because I feel like people barely ever read it, and that it's not really worth the effort it takes in my too-seldom spare time to post, when I could be writing in my journal. I know there ARE people who read it, but...I don't know.

I'm not fishing for comments or anything (REALLY!) but when I post some posts that don't get ANY comments, it's a bit of a downer. Like, is there anyone there? Is my blog filling its purpose of keeping people informed as to what's going on in our lives? Do I WANT to keep up the energy informing people, when I could be keeping a more personal and meaningful record in my written journal? What is the point of it all?

You, reader. Are you reading my blog? Who are you? Where did you come from? Do I know you in real life? Or in blog life? Am I talking to cyber-space?

**sigh** (that wasn't just a cyber-sigh, that was for reals)

Anyway, enough whining, and onward! The show must go on, and I really did come on here with the purpose of writing an update. But first, because they cheer me up like nothing else, some pictures of the handsome mister I call Eli.

Killer smile. The greatest was when he was fine, went to Matt's mum for a whole split-second before he started crying, was passed back to me, turned to Matt's mum, smiled, and then chuckled. Like, "heh, I've got you all trained, and it's only been 3 1/2 months!"

A not-so-great photo of me, but a cute one of my grand-dad and Eli. I couldn't get one where we were all looking at the camera, so you can't see the whole 4-generations (minus my dad) of the same eyes, but it's there, trust me on this one. My grand-dad is so cute. He's very English, and half the time I needed him to repeat what he was saying before I could process it in time. I felt bad! I felt like I SHOULD know what he's saying, but it went right over my head.

Elijah's first bonfire ever! We bundled him up one mild Monday evening and went to Matt's parent's for a bonfire with mum, dad, Rob, Kira, Aaron, Rachelle and Terrah. I of course worried the whole evening that he wasn't warm enough, or at least until he was bundled in 2 blankets and asleep in my arms in front of the fire. We had such a nice time, although it wasn't quite complete. It never really is when we're all gathered together and Joel and Heidi aren't there.

Cute photo of the two of them, right before Terrah started sucking Elijah's face. Apparently skin makes her hungry! Nom nom nom nom...

Okay, so they're not all of Eli, but she's so darn cute and pretty, I couldn't help myself. Check out those bright bright eyes!

How can you say 'no' to a face like that?

(and I'm sure there's some yuk-yuk out there who'd love to leave a comment saying, "no" just because they think it's terribly funny, but really. He's only 4 months old. You're not supposed to say no to them yet! And it really wouldn't be that funny anyway. Just so you know. ;)

I'm kinda impressed with myself for taking this photo. I can't take all the credit, Elijah is the one who likes to contort himself into all sorts of funny positions, but I'm so glad I caught it on camera. I love him to bits, and have taken to chomping on his arm. I see what people mean about a baby being so cute you could eat them! The greatest part of it, though, is that Elijah loves being bitten (gently of course, although the harder you chomp the happier he is) and it's one of the few ways we can get him to laugh.

And what post of baby photos would be truly complete without one of delicious baby feet?

There. I feel better now. He makes me so happy.

So, on to the update. I'm going to talk all taboo here for a moment, and yes, it involves poop.

When I got my wisdom tooth out last Monday I had to eat liquids for a few days, which meant getting fibre was difficult, if not impossible. That affected Eli, resulting in an entire WEEK of not pooping! So I brought him to the doctor this past Monday, was told to have him drink some water out of a bottle (totally doesn't know what to do with the bottle. Prefers chewing on the end rather than sucking.) and I was also prescribed some glycerine suppositories. For him. NOT me. Ha.

(AH, aside. Funny moment today: when Matthew went on about the suppository and how it was probably the device that puts it in his bum that made him cry, and then the look on his face when I told him (twice, because he didn't understand at first) that there WAS no device. You just stick it in. On your own. Ahhhh, the laughter when he clued in! And ohhhh the things I do for that little boy! I'm sure some day I'll even be impervious to boogers, but that day has not yet come.)

Anyway, he made good use of the suppository, but then nothing again until yesterday. And the reason I'm writing about this is, I never thought I would be so ridiculously happy for a poopy diaper! And when he pooped on his own again today, there was cheering. And maybe a little bragging. And if he'd only open that fist of his, there'd have been high-fiving too.

So anyway, at the doctor's last Monday he was weighed and measured for length. At his 2-month appointment he weighed 12 lb's 3 oz and 24.5-25" long. Monday, just 2 months later, he weighed 14 lb 15 oz (so over 2.5 lb's weight gain, which is not bad) and...are you ready for this? 28". Yes, you read that right. 28. 2. 8.

Now, some people don't get how big that is. It's 97th percentile, meaning he's longer than 97% of 4-month olds, and that was at 3.5 months. Oh, and the best part of all (yes, that was a bit of sarcasm) is that his carseat only goes to 29", so in another inch and a bit he'll be too big. At four flipping months!!! I knew Glanfields were tall, but THIS tall? As a baby? So we're probably going to buy a 3-in-1 carseat instead that will grow with him and save the rear-facing (once he's out of it) for hopefully-someday-baby#2. But really, this was supposed to last him a year.

He's doing so well though. He has discovered his hands and is carefully grabbing for things, though it's more experimental right now. So cute to watch. He rolls over occasionally from front to back and twists onto his side when he's on his back but has not yet rolled the other way. He twists onto his side and sleeps that way. And yes, he's still in the bedroom with us. I just don't feel ready putting him alone in his bedroom yet.

I don't know what else to update on on the Elijah front. What's new with Matt and I...

Not much really. My life, at least, revolves around Elijah, and looking after him. He's been sleeping through the night really well, but only naps for 1-2 hours all day, and even that is broken down to 2 or 3 naps, so I don't have a lot of free time to keep my house clean and do stuff. It's tiring, but I'm not complaining. I love him and Matthew and I can't think of any better way to pass my time.

Oh, here's something new with me! I'm not eating chocolate. Like, at all. And before you think I can't do it, let me tell you, I've already gone 10 days. Soon to be 11! I'm so proud of me, because it has been HARD. Like, grouchy, hard. I'll have to save the whys for another post, but I'm going to do it for a year or until I get pregnant again (so probably the year. Ha.) See, the "when/if I get pregnant again" is working out really well for me, because I'm not thinking the whole time that it's for a year (which seems so unattainable 10 days in), but rather that it's for some unspecified period of time which might end up being no time at all. I can handle that. And then, if I DO get pregnant again, it'd be fun to tell Matt by ordering a big chocolate-y dessert at Kelsey's and seeing his reaction. Some days that's about all that's keeping me from caving. That, and realizing that life is easier when I'm not being ruled by my addiction. Because it IS an addiction. But, like I said. That's for another post entirely.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now. I'm working on going to bed before 11, rather than being a fool with a baby and yet still goes to bed at 12 or 12:30 (true story.)

So good night, and I'll try to post again in a couple days, after I have pictures of the May-day fest and fireworks tomorrow evening at Matt's parents. Hurray!

New Blog

2010-05-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

This will be a really quick post as it's late and I'm very sleepy. But I had to spread the news!

Lately I had been feeling like starting a new blog. One with more focus than this one which, great as it is for writing ramblings and updates, is otherwise quite directionless. But I had no idea what to do this blog on.

Then it came to me.

I'll have a real, live photography blog!

So I got it all set up, and I'm ready to tell other people about it. The idea is that I share what I have learned about photography with other people. See, I've found that a lot of people feel that photography and taking nice photos is completely out of their realm, and that dSLRs are beyond them and will be evermore, but that is simply not true. I don't feel like it has taken much for me to learn to take better photos, and while I don't feel that my photos are that amazing, I KNOW they're a lot better than they were a year ago, and worlds better than 2 years ago.

So my blog will be a record of my photography-learning experience, so that others can look back on my journey and learn with me, and also realize that they can do it too, because, hey, look at what my photos USED to be compared to now.

I know I'm rambling as I am wont to do, but seriously, here's my inspiration. Not the current page of photos that this amazing photographer takes, but rather the knowledge that, just more than 2 years ago, she was at my level. Really! There's not one single photo on that page that I don't think I could take. And if she can go from that to what she is capable of today in just 2 years, then I can too.

My other motivation for starting this other blog is that it will be a good starting off point for when I actually open my own photography business. I know I'll do it someday, once I feel more confident that my photos will turn out the way I intended them. Right now I feel that it's hit and miss. But I'll get there. Hopefully soon!

Anyway, here's the link to my new photog blog (and no, that's not a typo. Just try saying it. Isn't "photog blog" way funner to say than "photo blog"?)

www.hollysdiyphotography.blogspot.com

If you do go to the website, start at the intro. It'll make a lot more sense if you start there.

So, enjoy!

Mostly photos

2010-05-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

This post will be mostly photos, to make up for the lack of photos in my last post! Although, I have to warn you, none of the photos are recent. But I'll get to that later.

First, an update.

We're doing really well. I went to Time Out for Women this past weekend, and it was AMAZING. Seriously. Can't wait until it comes out on dvd. I'm glad I was able to get so much out of it, considering how I had Elijah with me. I was distracted for a good portion of some of the workshops, but that's okay. It happens when you bring your baby.

So it was Elijah's first trip away from home, and first car-ride that was longer than 30 minutes. The way there he was fine, the way home, not so much. He's started screaming when he's tired lately, and has been having trouble getting to sleep unless we're at home, so my mobility has been lessened significantly. I still try to get out, but I can feel it wearing on me, being out with him when he can't sleep in his own bed. I *think* he's falling into a bit of a schedule, but I'm not sure yet. It can't come fast enough! I shouldn't complain though. He sleeps through the night, and is down for a good 10-11 hours total before he is up for the day (only one feed in there.) So hurrah for that!

Also, he is now rolling over (3 times in 2 days!) and I'm pretty sure he has discovered his hands. It's so cute.

As for me, I'm not doing so well. I had my one and only wisdom tooth pulled today in the dentist's chair, and I think I envy the people who get to get knocked out for it. It would have been less damaging on my psyche, not being conscious for every tug and pull, but then again, the process only lasted 5 minutes, and then I could walk away and even go clothes shopping. I ate warm (but not hot) cabbage rolls for dinner and Matthew made me a big milkshake. I guess I can expect it to hurt for the next few days. And it DOES hurt. At first, not so much, but it's aching right now and I should really be in bed. I won't make this too long.

One more thing about the wisdom tooth thing. It was SO surreal. I think because normally having your wisdom teeth removed is a months long process that involves consults, visits to a number of dentists, and then a months-long waiting list to have the procedure done. I, on the other hand, experienced a 2-week process, from the time of the x-ray to extraction. I feel so fortunate, especially given how inexpensive it was ($114!) but at the same time, I think I've spent more time in the dentist's chair than most, so this is kind of making up for that. I really like my new dentist too - the needles didn't even hurt, and I'm oh so scared of the needles!

Anyway, not too much else is new with Matthew, Elijah and I. I celebrated my first mother's day yesterday, and the only word I can think to use for it is anti-climatic. Okay, so if I sit here long enough, other words come to mind, like nice, happy, and good, but it wasn't the big fanfare event that I thought it was going to be. Maybe it's because, while experiencing infertility, mother's day was kind of a dreadful day. It was a reminder of what I was NOT and what I so dearly wanted to be. I think I expected the day to be as equally blissful as it was painful, but it wasn't. Or maybe it's just that, sweetness and overall life happiness replaced the pain, rather than consuming, top-of-the-roller-coaster, "I can't contain my joy" excitement. And so my first mother's day was...nice. Does that make sense?

So today, rather than getting the things done that I needed to, I instead sat on my computer and played around with photoshop. The tutorial in the program helped me to learn some new tricks, and I am AMAZED at the difference it has already made for my photos. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do this 'professionally', by which I mean, for other people.

Here are some examples of old photos that I've gone back and retouched.

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

(L - I gave you green eyes because I couldn't tell if they were green or grey. I tried doing grey, but I couldn't figure it out in photoshop. Really I was just messing around. I hope you don't mind having green eyes in this photo! AND if there are any of your wedding photos that you want me to work on retouching, I'll be more than happy to try. Just let me know the numbers. :D )

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

So there. All it took was some cropping, a few layers, and a couple actions here and there. Who knew I could learn so much in a day?

And now, I really must go to bed. My head is aching more and more as time goes on and I think sleep will help.

Sans photos

2010-05-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

This post won't have any photos. I'm sorry! It's just, Matthew and I have been BUSY lately, and the busy-ness hasn't really involved picture-taking. But I wanted to do an update anyway, which is, afterall, the point of this blog.

We're doing really well. Last week Matthew and I celebrated our 5-year anniversary! That sounds like such a long time (one fifth of my life!) and yet like nothing at all. It feels like we've done a lot in the last 5 years, and have some great things to show for our time together. Some tangible things, like our house, the business, our pets, and our little boy, and some intangible things, like knowledge gained through school and life experiences, wonderful memories, and a love more beautiful and great than we thought possible.

We kind of celebrated over the course of a few days. It was wonderful, spending so much time with Matthew over the weekend, but it admittedly made him going back to work today harder than it normally is.

On our actual anniversary we went out for breakfast, did a little shopping, relaxed, made and ate delicious ribs (a new favourite in our house), and watched Avatar. I hadn't seen it before, and I really liked it! Then the next day we ran some errands, picked some things up across the border and enjoyed lunch at a friend's house over there. I don't remember what we did in the evening Friday. Saturday we bought Matthew a new computer (so that he can play Starcraft 2 beta version) and some new t-shirts, and chilled. Then in the evening Rob and Kira came over and we had a great time hanging out with them. I'll say this on here because I'm pretty sure neither of them read this, but I really hope Kira sticks around. She's a keeper for sure, and I'd love to have her as a sister-in-law. She nicely completes the balance.

Anyway, yesterday we had church, choir, came home, took naps, ate dinner, and went to Matt's grandmother's for cake and ice-cream.

Today I tried clothes shopping on my own with Elijah. It's something I don't think I'll be repeating any time soon. He got really bored and fussy sitting in his carseat in the changeroom with me and would only stop crying if the stroller was in motion. Seriously, he would cry if I stopped pushing it forwards and backwards long enough to put my debit card back in my wallet! 3 months old and he already hates shopping.

Then tonight we had our first bonfire of the year (or for Elijah, first bonfire of his life!) at Matt's parents. We had a great time roasting marshmallows and just enjoying the beautiful weather.

Anyway, that's pretty much what we've been up to. It's nothing life-changing, it's just the little day-to-day things that contribute single strands of colour to the big and beautiful tapestry that is our life.

I've been working more on my day zero list, and I decided this evening that I want to jog in the Rankin Run for Cancer on May 29th. It's quite ambitious of me, as I've hardly been on the treadmill lately, but I think I can do it. I just need to work out every week day and work myself up to the 5k that I used to do. I hope to be able to jog the whole thing, but I'm not going to push myself too hard, because apparently that can increase your lactic acid levels and make your breastmilk go sour. And I wouldn't do that to my Eli.

Another thing that I've been working on lately is not feeling contention. Do you know how hard it is to swallow anger, and not fan the flame? Personally, I like to fan the flame. It feels good to rage, I'm going to be honest. But it is damaging to relationships, and sets a terrible example for Elijah, not to mention the fact that it drives the spirit from my home and sets all who see me into a grouchy mood if they're not careful. I don't want to "cast bad fruit" anymore, and I want to feel better about myself, so I'm trying really hard to take a more relaxed approach to life and not get angry, or quell the anger when I feel it coming on. Surprisingly, I feel the most tempted to get contentious when I'm in the car. It doesn't matter if I'm driving, I just get really annoyed by other drivers around me. So I'm working on that.

Oh, new in the life of Matthew: a sale this week at work, a new website up and running where he can post game replays and make money from ads, a new computer paid for by the business and our tax return so that he can play Starcraft 2, and a talk this weekend coming on mothers or respect. It's his choice. And I'm loving it. I can't wait to hear what he has to say, and not because I think, or even HOPE he'll talk about me. I just love when Matthew gives talks or teaches lessons at church.

Other than that, I'm going to Time Out for Women this weeked and I am way too excited. It'll be Elijah's first trip away from home, so that should be interesting. I'm looking forward to hearing the speakers and being spiritually rejuvenated. I feel like I need that right now.

So that's pretty much it! Like I said, we've been busy, but with little things. Life is good, happy and beautiful, even when I'm down, glum or grouchy, and I *think* I'm getting better at realizing that. It's a constant battle, but it's one I will win.

And now it's late and I really need to go to bed. I've been consistently going to bed between 11:30 and 12:30 lately, and that is just about the stupidest thing ever, in my opinion. Elijah has been going down between 8 and 9, so I'm wasting precious sleep time! But it IS nice to wind down. Which is what I'm going to do now.

Fun with the new lens

2010-04-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

Last week I got a new lens, and I've been having a lot of fun with it. It's a prime lens (so it can't zoom in and out) but the largest aperture it can have is 1.8 as compared to the 4.0 I'm used to (meaning it can open up more and let more light in, thus allowing me to use faster shutter speeds, thereby allowing for indoor photography in the lighting dungeon that is my house) so it's very exciting.

Here are some of the pictures I've taken over the last week:

One sleepy baby. Eli has started rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand when he's really tired. It's cute, except for when it knocks his soother out.

I love this shot of Pippin! He was stretching and showing off for the camera, and I happened to take this photo at just the right time.

Beautiful, beautiful girl! I mostly have sleeping photos of Terrah, as it's all she does! It was like that with Elijah too; it took so long to get a photo with his eyes open.

All I can think of when I see this photo is that song where the only words are, "Da da da..." OH! Or maybe the song that goes, "I'm just mad about saffron..."

Proof that Elijah has been focusing on his hands a lot lately.

What do you mean, there's no such thing as cooties? And even if there isn't, she's still wearing pink. And she's touching me.

Eli getting some tips on being a cousin to a dainty girl rather than a rough-and-tumble boy.

He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders. Until he falls over, that is.

Anyway, I'm loving the lens because I can blur out the background more easily with it. Fun times.

Another thing that I've been up to lately is I wrote a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. I'm having a lot of fun trying to get it done, and it's helped me be more task-oriented (even if they're little tasks!) I'm such a list person, and I find it fun to check things off on my list, even if it's something as small as going on a picnic. So here's the link to my list, check it out! And if you decide to make a list too, let me know. I'll keep tabs and encourage when needed.

The cool thing about the website is that you can go see other peoples' lists to get ideas. I had a fun time reading the funny things that people write on their lists. Here were some of my favourites:

Pick up Matildas poop with out complaining

Practice my multiplication every monday for 2 months

Play wii fit at least once a month (not very ambitious, huh?)

Read 50 english books not including Archie comic books (LOVE IT!)

Get my Facebook Scrabble win/loss ratio back to 3:1 (meaning find more sucky players to play against)(I didn't write that in brackets, the person wrote that...hahaha)

Go on 8 hikes. (Hike is defined as a 2 hour nature walk involving sweating and gasping for breath at least once.)(same as above, totally not my brackets!)

Try 3 new drugs (hmm...use much? To think this is on someone's goal list...)

One thing I thought was interesting was how 90% of the people who made lists appeared to be female. I wonder why that is.

Anyway, I've got to run, we were supposed to start our movie 1/2 an hour ago. Oops! Sorry Matt.

Elijah, car accident, new baby

2010-04-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

It feels like there are so many things to update on, although there are really only a few big things that have been taking up my life lately.

First of all is Elijah. He is doing SO well! Last Thursday he laughed for the first time and I could feel my love for him increase, just listening to it. He was sitting on Matt's lap, perfectly happy, and Matt kept kissing his eyes, and then out came the cutest little giggle! Then today I made him laugh again by getting him all good and happy with kisses, and then getting him to clap his fists together. Also, Saturday he rolled over for the first time, and then did it one more time for good measure! And today we noticed 3 times that he had his hands held together a few inches from his face and he was looking at them, but then he'd get distracted, or they'd move too much, and he'd lose focus and move on. But I'm thinking the discovery of his hands is just around the corner and that soon he'll realize that he's the one who's been snatching his soother, scratching his face and pushing himself away from me and breaking the latch when he's feeding. He always cries like it's my fault! Oh, and soon he'll be able to hold toys in those hands and play with things! I'm way too excited.

I've realized that I'm a bad judge of how big he is, he's just growing so fast. There are so many things that I really thought would be too big for him, but when I go to put him in it anyway, they fit perfectly, if not snugly, and soon they'll be too small. Sad!

Today we had our consult at McMaster for his bum dimple. I was SO thankful to talk to a doctor I understood (his pediatrician is more than a little confusing...) and I finally have the low-down on it all.

So. Bum dimples are very common, and most are benign (don't affect the baby at all) although some are related to nerve problems and spinal cord problems like Spina Bifida. Everything about Elijah seems to put him into the benign category. He doesn't have trouble going to the bathroom on his own, he wakes himself for feedings, he kicks his legs a lot (like he's running a marathon, seriously. But then, I knew he was a hard kicker since the womb.) and even his reflexes are normal, according to the doctor today. He had the ultrasound that said there might be this connection somewhere (I'll explain that in a moment) but then, he was moving around A LOT during the u/s and it was hard to get a good picture. The only way to be sure is to have an MRI, so that's what we're doing.

So sometime in the next 3 months we'll go back to McMaster, Eli will be knocked out, and they'll take a good look at the dimple and how deep it goes.

Here's why the dimple is important. If it goes downward it's not a big deal, but if it goes upward it could connect with the bottom of the spinal column, which would leave Eli susceptible to infections, and we all know that your bum is not the most bacteria-free place on our bodies. The doctor today said it looks like it goes downward, but if it goes upward and IS connected, then they'd operate on him and remove/close off the tract so that it's not connected any more. Either way though, it doesn't look like he has Spina Bifida at all, so that's a relief.

So there, that's my Elijah update.

Now for my car update.

Friday I got into my first-ever car accident! I'd like to say it was exciting, but it was really just annoying, frustrating and upsetting. I'm working on forgiveness right now, so I won't vent about it, I'll just give you the facts straight up.

I was turning left on a green light onto a 4-lane street. I was turning into the left lane, and there was a stream of cars turning right at the same light into the right lane. Totally fine, right? Right. Except for the one car that decides to turn into my lane instead of hers, hitting my passenger door with the corner of her fender, leaving just a few spots of paint on her fender and a nice-sized dent and scratches on my door. I tried very (VERY) hard to be nice about it although I completely had no idea what to do and was standing out in the rain for at least 10 minutes, humming and hawing about it. When I realized that it was fruitless to stand there and be accused by an old lady who wasn't even remembering it right 10 minutes later, I left after saying we'd talk later that evening after I'd talked to Matt. He called her at dinner time, and offered to pay for her repair (because she was so sure I was to blame that I really thought she'd try to give me a ticket) but in the end we're just going to pay for our own and go our own separate ways.

But what a bummer! The ironic thing is that not 1/2 an hour before, I had been thinking about how we hadn't had any collisions since 6 years ago, and that our record would soon be completely clear. It still WILL be clear but the collision part is now no longer true. Oh well. Luckily we know a guy who does body work for a really good price. My guess is $750 to fix it, but I'm hoping less.

So there. Not completely impartial and emotionally detached from the experience, but I think I'm on my way.

And now for the best part of my update! Well, maybe not the best completely (because I think Elijah laughing, rolling over, discovering his hands, and not having Spina Bifida is pretty darn wonderful) but still, this is the most exciting to more than one person.

Rachelle and Aaron had their little girl! She was born yesterday (April 18th) in the early morning, and everyone is doing really well. They're not 100% decided on a name yet (I wonder what that feels like???) but let me tell you, she is just beautiful!!! She's SO teeny too. She's only 1.5 lbs smaller than Eli was, but when I held her it felt like I was holding a 6 pounder, not a baby over 8 lb's.

So, without further ado, here are some pictures! Oh, and just as a warning, I kind of went overboard in the amount I decided to post because I had so many that I liked. I didn't think anyone would complain if I posted too many photos, but if they totally bore you, skip to the end. ;)

The little girl of the perfect ruby red lips.

The tired, relieved, and exquisitely happy parents.

The beautiful new mom who keeps her looks despite the total amount of 3.5 hours sleep in the last 50 some-odd hours.

The bonding of momma and baby.

The burping of baby.

Isn't she just beautiful??? She felt so teeny, floppy and downright squishy in my arms! I didn't notice when Elijah started carrying his own weight, but I guess with the head-holding thing, he's not as much a dead-weight in my arms, and he's definitely not as squishy. I think he's always been a rather solid baby, but then, he was 9 lb 7 oz.

Here are the two cousins in all their comparative glory. It's really not the greatest shot, but that's 2.5 months of difference for you to enjoy.

Rob is so excited to be an Uncle!

Here's a nice big yawn done up all grayscale.

And the rest of the pictures are of Elijah, because I think he's pretty much the best thing ever, and he was rocking the house in a new green sleeper with dinosaurs on it. I wish I could wear green sleepers with dinosaurs on them.

I love this laughing photo.

"What are you laughing at, Nana?"

"Put me down NOW!!!!"

"You'll pay for that later mom. I promise."

Aaron is so tender with the babies.

"Why does everyone cheer when I lift my head like this?"

"Seriously. Until this results in voluntary rolls, I'm not impressed."

My boys!!! Oh how I love them.

And there you have it, folks.

Today I got a prime lens and I'm really excited to start using it and taking wickedly amazing photos with it, so expect another photo post later in the week!

What whining gets you

2010-04-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

Some people might say whining gets you nowhere. But those people probably don't have husbands who run their own businesses!

Okay, okay, so I didn't whine. But I was feeling pretty lonely and glum yesterday, so I convinced Matthew to spend the afternoon with me (there might have been over-the-phone pouting involved...), and we went drive aimlessly around the region in search of somewhere to walk, things to take pictures of, and things to get my mind off of my thoughts which were driving me insane (don't ask why, it's better that way ;)

I did manage to take some pictures, and that's pretty much all this post will be, as I'm tired and want to go to bed before I miss the well-fed baby boat, and need to stay up until 11 for another feed.

So here we go.

My champion, who takes my moods in stride and always tries to humour me.

Me and my mini-champ, who lights up my life with one of his gummy smiles.

A sweet father-son moment that I just had to capture on camera. Unbeknownst to them, because I'm afraid of confrontation. Even if it's totally legal to take pictures of all and sundry on public property. I felt a little sneaky.

A bold little aquatic bird who thought, "that lady over there looks friendly enough, and that black thing in her hand just might be edible. I'd better go check it out, in case it's food," and so he paddled his way over and swam practically underneath my nose. Then I could zoom in nice and close, and voila! A picture without any cropping whatsoever.

I just had to take a picture of this explosion of pink and girlishness.

So there. That was our afternoon of sight-seeing, driving, take-out pizza, mid-afternoon feedings in the car, walking along a nearly deserted beach, dropping by a rickety 2-story candy store, and enjoying our area off-season when the weather is beautiful and the tourists haven't realized it yet. My only wish is that the carousel was running so I could take a picture of that too.

And now for bed.

Wonderful weekends

2010-04-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well we have had a pretty busy and family/friend/fun filled weekend! I even have some pictures to prove it (though I haven't done my imitation photo for the week yet.)

On Friday we went to a family dinner in honour of Matthew's Papa's 80th birthday. The food was wonderful, the company better, and we had a good time (even if Elijah was really fussy for more than half of it!) Here are some of the cute photos I managed to take, between the fuss-episodes:

I can totally imagine Eli saying, "Mmm hmm!" or "Oh no you didn't!" in that black woman's voice. All Queen Latifah-style.

Don't you ever wish you could blow as awesome bubbles as babies do? I don't even know where to begin trying to do it. Maybe if someone held ME up like that, I would figure it out in a hurry.

A four-generation photo, with Matt and Eli in the middle, Matt's mum on the left, and his Papa on the right. And doesn't Papa look great for 80-years old???

Then Saturday morning we were invited over to Matt's parents for breakfast with this old missionary from the area and his family who were visiting. We had originally declined, because breakfast was for 8am, and I'm just falling back asleep around then usually, except that day Elijah slept through the night, got up and fed at 6:45am, and we were both so awake and ready to go that I decided we should go! It made for a very very tired me later, but it was worth it. I ate too much, and totally kaiboshed (how DO you spell that anyway?) our diet plans for the day, but whatev. It was great.

The family is so darn cute and picture perfect, I couldn't help but take some photos.

She is so pretty, and talented. She was showing off her piano skills, and Matthew was playing chords along with her, all duet-style. It made me really excited for our kids to learn piano so they can play with their daddy.

Matt is so good with kids, except when he's laughing at when they cry.

Check out the killer smile and eyelashes this one-year old already has. I'm so jealous. Of a baby.

Group photo! It's pretty much the first photo I've approved of myself in since...August I believe. Everyone else looks pretty good too, I think. Even Rachelle, who is tired and oh so pregnant in this photo, looks like a star.

Aaaaand this photo will do. Because it's criminal that I don't really have any of myself with Elijah. I understand the whole behind-the-camera thing, but I'm pretty sure that it's actually because I feel that I look so terrible in photos right now. That's why you haven't seen any.

Other than that, I went for lunch and shopping yesterday with my friend Naomi and Matthew played in a warhammer tournament which he won. The ironic thing is, he hadn't even won one single game with this 'army' yet, and then he goes and wins them all. I'm so proud. ;)

Nothing else is really new or happening with us. The most exciting thing going on right now is the fact that Rachelle is 2 1/2 hours away from being overdue. So her bun is baked, and we're all waiting with baited breath to meet this fresh new little one. And to finally hear what her name will be! Because I love names.

Oh, speaking of names, does anyone think it's crazy that I already know beyond doubt what my next baby's name will be? I've decided on Edmund for a boy (a la that dream I mentioned a few weeks ago) and Abigail for a girl.

Oh and best moment of the weekend? When Elijah was crying in someone else's arms, and stopped crying when I held him. Then I passed him back, he started crying again (like, a lot) and when I took him back he stopped instantly. I felt a little bad for Matt's mum but I loved that he wanted me. Even if my shoulder was killing me and I was feeling frazzled.

Anyway, I hope your weekend has been as wonderful as mine!!

Jack of All Trades

2010-04-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

I always thought it'd be cool to be a "Jack of all trades," and be able to do just about anything. I mean, sure the phrase is usually followed with, "Master of none," but who cares? Isn't it enough to be able to do everything, even if it's not as well as the next guy?

I guess, when I think about it, I get why the Jack-of-all-trades mentality works for me, why it fits so very well. It's nice to be useful to everyone, to be the Go-to Girl, to be willing and capable and to have skills that someone else doesn't possess. And I want that. I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't want to be needed and appreciated, even if only in some small way?

But, as I said before, a Jack-of-all-trades must also inherently be a Master-of-none, and that's the part of the concept that really speaks to (or of) me. I'm not really a Jack-of-all-trades. I can't do everything. I can't even do most things. But there are some things I can do, and I like doing those some things. I just wish (ohh how much I wish) that I could do them better.

I'm not a Jack-of-all-trades on purpose. I didn't even realize until the other day that I had fallen into Jack's trap. I'd go as far as to say that it's not someone's fault if they're a Jack-of-all-trades. It IS, however, their (my) fault if they are (I am) a Master-of-none.

I know this all too well. It means taking on too much. It means not enough follow-through. It means only a mild level of diligence in each task that makes you somewhat experienced but woefully inadequate in each field of interest you undertake. It means jobs undone.

And you know what?

I am SICK of it!

Most days I like myself, flaws and all. But today I'm mad at myself. Disgusted even. I feel so lost and it's my own (insert curse-word of choice here) fault. And before you think I'm being too hard on myself, let me explain a little further, so that you know the full extent of my Master-of-none expertise (hmm, interesting concept. Apparently I AM really good at something! I'm good at being good at nothing. HA. I've had lots of practice.)

So. I cross-stitch. I have a heap of supplies for 3 cross-stitches that I would like to do, and it all sits untouched in the cabinet beside me. Also, I had a big cross-stitch that is nearly done (it's taken me over 200 hours of work) but the beads need to be sewn on and I don't know how to do that/am afraid of pricking myself with the needle I need to use, so it has sat for a year just waiting. Also, I have a Christmas stocking for myself that I decided to leave unfinished before starting Matt's.

I took up scrapbooking a while back but I take so long to get one stinking page done that I kindof gave up and all the supplies are sitting in a cupboard in my basement.

We have a treadmill that I've jogged on maybe 10 times. And a yoga mat that is a year old and still untouched. And an exercise ball that I really only bought for a fun chair, and I haven't even used it as that.

I have a journal where I haven't finished writing the last 3 entries and I keep starting over needing to update the update.

I'm learning to play the piano, but I haven't taken lessons since September, and even then I decided to drop it for a bit. I got to grade 5 and found the pieces really difficult, was told that I wouldn't be able to fly through the next grade in 4 months, lost motivation, stopped practicing, realized that I was wasting money showing up for lessons without practicing, and dropped it. Just when I was starting to be able to play the Children's Songbook pieces.

I have a new sewing machine (NEW I tell you!) and I've pulled it out all of twice. I'm excited about it, true, but how far will the excitement carry me? Will it carry me through a difficult pattern, or will I just get frustrated and give up on that, too?

I have a camera and (I think) am half-way good at photography but I feel awkward talking pictures of other people because I don't know good poses and I get intimidated by needing to lead and direct (it's the non-confrontational aspect of me shining through.) I WANT to make something of it, but I don't feel I'm good enough to charge people and I'm scared stiff of someone wanting one thing and me producing another and wasting their time. I keep feeling like once I do X then I'll be good enough. Like, after this course, once I have Elijah and get some more experience, etc etc. But I never actually feel good enough.

If I learned photoshop I'd be able to make my pictures look cooler and fix them up. So I bought book at Chapters to teach me photoshop. And I've put it down 1 1/2 chapters in.

If I really sat down and learned flash I'd be a much more versatile photographer, but beyond what Matthew has showed me, that all I can really do and I have yet to read online how to do more.

I LOVE to read and sometimes get books that excite and make me stay up until all hours reading. But often, when it's 2am and I simply must put it down so I can go to bed, I feel the need to just skim ahead so I can know what is happening next. I convince myself I'd sleep better knowing than anticipating. And I end up skimming through the rest of the book. And when the next day comes, I already know what's going to happen, so I don't bother finishing the book, making me feel very incomplete. Also, I buy lots of books intending to read them, but I read other books first, then re-read old favourites, then lose motivation to read the books I bought, thus adding to the pile of books that still need to be read. I believe my current total is around 20 new books to be read.

Aaaaaaand worst of all, my schooling. I can't even feel good about that! I am 1/2 a credit shy of graduating from my 3-year degree and I've been going to school 6 years. Sad, huh?

I'm sure there are other things that I have a hard time following through on, I just don't have the energy to list them all (ironic, isn't it? I'm not even following through on my list of things I don't follow-through on!!)

My patriarchal blessing says at one point, "There are many things you wish to accomplish in your life," and that's it. It moves on to some other point, after merely acknowledging the fact that I'm ambitious.

I don't know if anyone else out there is like this, but if you are, then you understand how damaging this incompletion-syndrome (as I will now call it) can be for your psyche.

I feel frustrated because I don't have anything to show for the hours and hours I've spent doing all of these pursuits.

I feel overwhelmed because there is just too much to do.

I feel lost because I don't know where to start, or where to focus my attention.

I feel like a failure, and I'm worried. What will I teach Elijah? What will I fail to follow through on, in raising him? How can I make sure I give this, the most important task given to me in this life, my all, and become a Master of at least one thing?

I don't entirely know the answers to all of these questions, and when I think too much about how BIG this task is, I feel like I'll never be able to accomplish it.

But I can, and I will.

I think I just need to narrow-down the playing field, and focus my efforts a little more.

So I just ate brunch with Matthew, and he had a lot to say on this topic of self-defacement and incompletion-syndrome. He pointed out that it's not the end of the world if I decide to put down cross-stitching or piano or scrapbooking or any other hobby of mine, because they aren't things that I HAVE to do in life. I'm not expected to do any of these things well, or at all for that matter. They are all good things, but I shouldn't worry so much that leaving such things undone will mean I'm going to be a bad mother. Following through with my children is much more important than taking nice photos and I'll be much more motivated to do that, so I need to stop being so dramatic.

Done.

Also, he agrees that I'm spreading myself too thin, with everything that I want to do. I can now recall the phrase, "You can't do everything, but you can do something. Whatever you do, do it well." That's what my focus needs to be. Matthew also reminded me of what Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in a talk during the Priesthood session this past conference. He spoke on patience and said that our goals can only be achieved through consistent effort over an extended period of time.

So no more taking one photography course and expecting to be a pro at it. No more completing grade 4 piano and feeling deflated when my piano teacher tells me that it might take me longer than 4 months to complete grade 5 piano. No more giving up on a cross-stitching project because it is taking a long time. No more being a quitter.

Also, no more wasting my valuable free time with useless things that do not build me up and increase my overall happiness.

I only have so many hours of free time in a day, and I've decided to focus on a few things from now on, instead of many things. Here are my new goals:

-pick one picture that someone else took that I like, and try to duplicate it. Do this once a week, and post on my efforts (so keep after me if I haven't been doing it!)
-go to Fabricland today and find a pattern for a cape. Buy the material. Make it already. In other words, stop TALKING about what I want to do and go out and DO it.
-learn the song called The Meadow (from New Moon.) I can play through the first page on the piano, but nothing beyond that. I have a month to do this (because I thrive on deadlines!)
-read my scriptures every day, because I really do feel better when I remember to do this, and make my life a little less centred on my day-to-day distractions and a little more centred on spiritual things.

And with all of this comes taking care of Eli, playing with him, feeding him, giving him attention and making sure we do tummy time (because the doctor thinks his head is getting too flat.)

So there. Those are my mid-year resolutions. Because, really, I can do anything. I don't say that to be arrogant, I say it to be optimistic. There is so much potential in me, in EVERYONE, and I just want to tap a little bit of it.

And now I'm reminded of not just a quote, but an entire talk given by President Uchtdorf at a General Relief society meeting a couple years ago. Here's the link to the talk, but to keep it short, here are some quotes:

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

You might say, “I’m not the creative type. When I sing, I’m always half a tone above or below the note. I cannot draw a line without a ruler. And the only practical use for my homemade bread is as a paperweight or as a doorstop.”

If that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination."

"The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

Anyway, this post is getting awfully long. AND there are no pictures! My deepest apologies. Today I turned to the blog to vent and let some frustrating thoughts out, rather than to update and show pictures.

But I do have a little bit of updating to do, so I'll do it now.

Last week at the doctor's Elijah weighed in at 13 lb's 2 oz and was 25.5" long. That means he gained a pound and added 1.25" in a matter of 2 weeks! He has almost grown out of his 0-6mos. Robeez, his feet are so big. He had his 2-month immunizations at the same time, and while the screaming then was very sad, the hardest part came later around 5pm when he cried until he was bright red in the face every time he so much as moved his little legs. I'm not sure if that reaction is normal, but we gave him some Tempra and by 7 he was fine again. It was hard though, he couldn't be held, couldn't be fed, couldn't move an inch or else he'd cry and cry.

On a much happier note, he has started sleeping through the night! Not all the time, but 4 times in the last week he has slept for between 6 and 6.25 hours at night before waking up wanting to feed, and then he'll go back down for another 2-3 hours. What would make it even nicer is if I could manage to fall back asleep after the 6-hr run. Sometimes I lie awake for another 1-1.5 hrs, so that sucks.

This past weekend was Easter and General Conference and it was great. We watched the broadcasts from home (except for the Sunday morning one, which we'll totally watch from home next time, it's so much comfier.)

Not that anyone but me cares, but today marks one year since I got my period and then got pregnant with Elijah. I think the day only sticks out so much because it determined my due date (add 9 months and one week and you get January 14th.) It's still crazy to me to think where we were last year. Waiting to adopt any day, plans to get my 4-year degree (because going to school with a toddler would be much easier than with a breastfeeding infant) etc. etc.

I'm getting excited to do some more photography classes, but I think I'll have to wait until September to do anything. One month from now is just too soon for me to be having a weekly commitment without Elijah there, mostly because I don't want to pump and bottlefeed him. In September he'll be 8 1/2 months and can manage an evening of baby food and cereal, especially if the course turns out to be in town and not 1/2 an hour away.

Aaaand not that this is a big update, but yesterday I heard thunder again for the first time in 6 months. Excitement ensued and now I'm watching the weather like a hawk, cursing the dishwasher for being too noisy, and thanking Matthew for waking me up this morning because I was sleeping through a really good thunderstorm. Elijah seems to be completely unphased, which is good. I'm going to try to teach him to relish every thunderclap, but I realize in the end that I have little control over a little one's fears.

Speaking of little ones, I'm going to go feed my little one so that I can get going to fabricland.

But first, photo to imitate for the week:

Because I absolutely love this woman's work and wish I could take pictures like her. I really don't know if I'm doing something illegal posting it, but is it okay if I give someone else total credit for it? It was taken by Kelle Hampton, and my goal is to imitate it by analyzing how I think she took it, and then getting the circumstances just right so that my photo looks as close as possible to hers. Minus the exact baby model of course.

So there you have it! And I really need to go because I told Matt I would be done "in a second" about 10 minutes ago!

Portraiture attempt

2010-04-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

When Elijah was 6 weeks old we had a photographer from Canadian Baby Photographer come by and take some pictures of him. I was watching him do it and decided that I could do what he was doing. He was even using my stuff to do it! My baby, my blankets, my couch pillow, my towels. Sure he had his own camera, flash and backdrop, but still. I could do it.

So today I pulled out the trusty cam, engaged Matthew's help, and took Easter pictures of my dressed-up boy. I cropped them all to 5X5 because that's the size of my own Canadian Baby photographs from when I was a little girl, and I want to get a similar booklet for Elijah for when he's older.

For the record, we did end up ordering photos from the photographer, they were ridiculously expensive and I'm ridiculously excited about it, even if I could have done them myself. We'll be getting the digital copy of the photos so I'll post those when we get them, but in the meantime, I'm pretty proud of my first-ever-portrait attempt. Granted, my ability to take good photos was completely dependent on this adorable little munchkin I call Eli, but still.

The last photo kills me. He was getting so angry by this point, and it definitely shows. It looks like he's either trying to point at or punch the camera, or like he's doing an imitation of the "Uncle Sam wants YOU" campaign.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll improve over time, but I'm happy with how they turned out, as it gives me hope that I'll be able to do my own family photos and portraits of my kids as they get older, rather than paying some over-priced company to do it. That being said, though, it's pretty cool that Matthew and I both have the same pictures from the same company that did our son's photos.

I was going to post the baby photos of Matt and I, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow because my boys are sleepy and just a teensy bit cranky and I think we all should go to bed. It's been a long, but wonderful, weekend and we need to recuperate.

So Happy Easter from my family to yours!

New BBQ

2010-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Matthew and I have been saving our Canadian Tire money for a while in hopes of getting a new barbeque. We had our sights set high for a $250 one, but got a little bit impatient in our desire to grill, and so decided this past week that we could definitely settle for the $190 one instead. I mean, a free barbeque is a free barbeque. Do we really need a shiny one? (which, by the way, was totally the only reason I wanted the other one. Don't tell Matt. I fed him some story about how important it was that the side grill had a cover and that that was absolutely worth the extra $60.)

So we bought it Tuesday, Matthew set it up on Wednesday, and Thursday we were grilling grilling grilling! Thursday we had hamburgers, Friday we cooked up some ribs and had Dave and Farrah over for ribs and wings, Saturday was more hamburgers, and Matthew is cooking up some steaks right now as we speak. Or rather, as I write. Type. Whatever.

I had to document our first grilling adventure, because it was just that exciting.

Our new bbq, in all its black glory. I think I'll call it Blacky, so that it doesn't feel sad that it's not Shiny. It needs to know I love it.

Insert an, "Arrrrrrg!" and you have Matthew: the lean, mean, grilling machine!

Chef Master or Master Chef? I'm not too sure. It doesn't matter either way though. He'll always be Blacky to me.

Matt says this shot is overexposed and that I shouldn't post it, but I just don't feel like altering a shot of ketchup in photoshop. Nothing spells waste-of-time better than fixing a shot of condiments. Besides, I like the exposure. And the shot. So let him eat cake.

We already knew that cheese went well with burgers, but I'd like to personally thank and shake the hand of the person who thought to put the cheese IN the burger!

You're hungry just looking at it, right? And yes, I artistically arranged the lettuce and onions on my burger, and squished it down a little to let the mustard and ketchup ooze out the side just so. What you can't see in this photo is Matthew's nearly empty plate, as he unartistically but very practically went ahead and ate his burger without any attention to detail and every attention to taste.

We are very happy with our barbeque and so glad we decided to buy it when we did. Thursday, Friday and Saturday were days straight out of summer, with the temperature getting as high as 28º C at one point (which is around 86º F for you American-minded Canadians and what-not!)

The weather has cooled off again (only up t0 18º today. Wah.) but I don't mind so much when I think of what it could be like. The following is a photo of almost this exact date 5 years ago, when we had a big snowstorm the first weekend in April, causing power outages and the like. That's unpredictable Canadian spring weather for you, though. It could be sweltering hot. It could be frigidly cold and blizzarding. Or it could just be plain old Spring.

I'm so glad this year, when we bought our barbeque, that the first weekend in April (which also happened to be Easter) turned out to be so gorgeous and conducive to grilling. Because we'd have been outside in the snow anyway, we're that jazzed.

Flash-happy

2010-03-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

Too long have I gone without the flash. Too long have I spent trying to capture the perfect shot, only to be foiled by motion blur. Too many moments have I missed in these last 8 weeks. Too many photos that could have been, if only I could get my shutter speed fast enough.

But no more.

Yesterday, I attempted the flash but to no avail. Nevertheless, I pressed forward completely undaunted, and have obtained the prize:

Well-lit photos despite the lighting dungeon that is my house.

Yes, today has been a beautiful day so far, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Ohhh, the ears!!

He's been sleeping a lot lately. I'm thinking 'growth spurt.'

The adorable 0-6 mos. Robeez that are just about too small for him. At less than 2 months.

And the newly-groomed Pippin, showing off his drinking-from-the-bathroom-faucet skillz. I'm in love with the motion-capture shown in this picture. Thank heavens for flash.

So I really have no idea what took me so long to try the flash. I was pretty sure it'd be terribly difficult and a frenemy relationship would ensue, but if things keep going as they are, this could turn into a beautiful, lifelong friendship. Or just one of those one-sided, disgusting adoration things where I idolize the flash and am constantly trying to figure it out, and it couldn't care less about me.

But at this point, I'm too flash-happy to care!

That's a wrap

2010-03-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

As a baby shower gift my sister-in-law, Rachelle, gave me this really cool wrap. When she demonstrated how to use this immensely long piece of fabric I was lost, confused, and hooked all at once. I didn't know how it worked, but I loved it. I couldn't exactly practice because I had this big round belly strapped to the front of me, and even a kleenex box inside the wrap would have been sitting in my face, I was carrying so high.

So I waited until Eli was born before trying it, and I was so disappointed when it didn't go over well. At all. He just screamed and screamed and I got frustrated because I couldn't pull it tight enough to hold him without slumping a lot, which caused him to scream some more. So I put the wrap thing on hold for a while.

Lately, however, the weather has been just beautiful. The outdoors have been calling to me, but the only way I can go outside with Eli is with a stroller. Our stroller is great, but it takes up our entire trunk, so Farrah and I can't go somewhere for a walk unless it involves driving to either of our houses and walking around that neighbourhood. It'd be nice to be able to go for walks places like Niagara Falls or Port Dalhousie. Also, what are we going to do this summer when we go up north, and need to put luggage in said trunk?

So today I pulled the wrap back out, and figured out a comfier way of putting it on. Eli was tired, and fell asleep while I fiddled with the criss-crossing and the tying. By the time I was done he was out cold and comfy. Hurrah for a positive experience for him!

I can't even tell you how proud I am, to have been able to do it successfully. I just walked around the house with Eli sleeping (and probably drooling) against my chest, feeling a little bit of what it felt like when I was pregnant and he was strapped a little lower to my torso. He looked so cute in it, and I felt so proud and pregnant again that I just had to take some photos. Here's what I came up with:

Eli was loving it until he woke up and felt a little too restricted, so I lifted him out of the top and am still walking around the house with the thing tied to me. I don't want to take it off and waste all that good, hard work!

Spring bliss, weight loss, and a lil more Elijah

2010-03-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

I think that, considering how my last post was 4 days ago, it is safe to say I'm getting back into blogging. No more 2 week hiatuses for me! Even that's not a terribly long time, as far as blogs go. I've seen some blogs where people only post once in a blue moon. But then, that's not the point of this blog, and I'd feel guilty leaving it for so long, considering how the purpose of this blog is keep people informed as to our life.

And life lately has been wonderful.

Spring is here. It's here, despite the calendar. It's here despite the groundhog. It's here despite the storm that we'll likely still get, as we always do at this point in the season.

Yes, Spring is here and every part of me is thrilling to it.

Yesterday when I was driving I saw a robin. A robin on March 16th! A little early, if you ask me, but I'm not complaining, because robins trump groundhogs when it comes to determining how much Winter is left.

Then today it was so beautiful and sunny that the outdoors were calling to me and I just had to go for a walk with Elijah. Matthew was at work with the stroller in the trunk of the car, but he kindly agreed to come and work from home the rest of the day just so that I could get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine.

There really isn't anywhere to walk around here unless you want to walk along the quiet, pretty, and completely deserted canal. I like walking along there, but not by myself. It just doesn't feel safe somehow.

So instead I took a walk to our local grocery store for nothing in particular. We just went grocery shopping yesterday and spent far too much money, but I managed to think of a couple things that we still needed, so off Eli and I went.

It was so beautiful outside! When I got home the weather network said it was 17 degrees which is like a cool June day. I love it! I was so warm walking that I was tempted to take off my sweater. I decided not to owing to my insecurity where my pudgy belly is concerned, and I kindof regretted it when I got home because I was sweating like it was the middle of summer. I pulled off the shoes and socks, and for the rest of the day I've been wearing flats...with no socks at all! To me, that's on the same level as wearing sandals, only prettier.

And, because I promised to take more photos and put them on my blog, I ran outside once I got these puppies on and took a photo.

And guess what I saw on my walk?? I saw the beginnings of flowers sprouting up from the ground! I was so excited that I regretted not bringing the camera just to document it. Then, as if to teach me a life lesson on the importance of bringing your camera everywhere, I saw real, live, first-of-the-season flowers. Beautiful, dainty little white snowdrops of the kind that only come once Spring is finally here.

Did I mention that Spring is finally here? And that I'm excited about it?

Now that the nicer weather is here I'm a lot more motivated to work out and get this post-pregnancy body of mine back into shape. Matthew has been feeling the same way, so we're having a competition to see who can get to their target weight the fastest. We both have about the same amount that we want to lose, so the race is on! And boy it has been competitive around here these last couple days. Everything now is, "Go ahead, eat that rice krispie square. I'm just going to beat you, that's all!"

It's frustrating in a way because, with breastfeeding, I need to eat often. I feel hungry so often throughout the day, like 2 hours after a big breakfast, but Matt doesn't get hungry so often, so I feel like I'm eating way more than him, which I might very well be. I'm ACTUALLY eating for two now, though, so I just remind myself of that and aim to eat healthy foods. Except for the small McDonald's fries I had tonight. BUT I've been good about the sweets, which are way harder for me to cut out than fries.

So anyway, Our Weight Loss Thing is on (capitalized because that's what we so uncreatively called it) and we will see in a month who is in the lead.

Yesterday I had my last midwife appointment and I feel equal portions of sadness and happiness.

I feel sad because the experience is over. Being pregnant was wonderful and a miracle and I will always look back on that as a happy time. I miss little thing that have to do with being pregnant, and I will miss the midwives and how well taken care of I felt. It's nice to know that there's someone you know on call in case you or your baby has an emergency, and who will take time with you to answer questions and listen to concerns. So yes, I'm sad that we've been discharged.

At the same time though, I'm happy. OH so happy. Life is moving forward and I sort of feel like I can't keep up, it's going so fast. Eli is 7 weeks old today, and I need to call tomorrow to book his 2 month shots. It's so hard to believe he's so big already and that he isn't this teeny newborn anymore. I'm so happy he's healthy and doing well, and I'm happy I've recovered well too. Nursing is going well and he's gaining tons of weight. The little bruiser is already at 12 lb's 3 oz, and is more than 24" long. I'm happy, happy, happy.

And here I go almost forgetting to put pictures in the post! They were all taken today, as part of my newfound desire to take good photos.

I love that face.

Baby feet!

Sharing a moment.
Oh so serious!

I'm also grateful for the nicer weather because it means I can take photos with better lighting, and soon I'll be able to venture outdoors for impromptu photoshoots!

One last thing before I finish this to feed my little man.

Yesterday we had an appointment at Dr. A's. He's such a nice doctor, and I was glad when he said he wouldn't mind if Eli stayed on as a regular, run-of-the-mill patient, rather than just coming because of the concern about his head.

We also discussed the results of the ultrasounds. His head is fine, the fluid is gone, there's none around the brain, so we're good. There is a slight ridge still on his skull that we're not sure about, so we're getting an x-ray for it (this Dr. is really thorough...) to see if it's calcified fluid or a fracture in the skull that healed itself already. Either way, it's just to see what it is, nothing to be worried about.

We also discussed the spinal scan and the bum dimple. So apparently his spinal cord is complete and everything, but there is this one part where it's connected to this sinus tract or something or other and it shouldn't be connected. So we've received a referral for a consultation at Mac, and we go in April for that. He might need an MRI to look into it further, or they could look at it and him and decide to not worry about it. Dr. A said that if it is S.B., many people who have the occulta form walk around with nothing more to worry about than a little constipation. Even that I don't think would be an issue (given Eli's track record...ha) so here's hoping. And praying.

Other than that, we're been doing really well. Eli is meeting his milestones in terms of cooing, smiling, following us with his eyes, and even attempting to laugh I think. He's getting much more interactive, and we can do things to make him smile. Oh, and today he took his very first nap in his crib! He still sleeps beside us in the play yard and I'm not that anxious to move him to the crib because it would make night-times hard, given what a noisy sleeper he can be, but it's nice to know that he isn't averse to sleeping there.

And I almost forgot a video I took of Elijah today! He is dreaming in the video and making these cute little sounds. When I took the video he had already been making the sounds for a good 5 minutes at least, it was so cute!

Anyway, I think that about covers it. I really need to go to bed, as it's 11:11 and I'm tired and still need to feed the little mister before I can sleep. Sleep seems so far away when I put it like that...Oh well. I'll just sleep in tomorrow morning. Good, wonderful Matthew!

A good day

2010-03-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how little it takes to make my day good. It's still not over yet, but so far I really can't complain, and that's saying something, considering how Matthew is working today so I've been home alone, which I don't normally like.

All that has really happened is I took a shower this morning with Elijah awake rather than asleep this time, and he was totally fine and happy. Then I made up a few cookies with the delicious chocolate cookie dough we have sitting in our fridge, and the tastiness of the cookies made me happy.

Then Elijah went for 3 hours and a bit between one of his mid-day feedings, so I pulled out my sewing machine and I finally figured out how to use the thing! I bought this sewing machine the day before I went into labour, pulled it out that evening to figure it out, got tired, and put it down for another day. Then, mere hours later, my waters broke, labour was in full swing, and the rest is history. So the poor, new, pretty sewing machine has been sitting untouched on my dining room floor for nearly a month and a half.

I think I'd have pulled it out sooner if I wasn't so daunted by how long I thought it would take to figure out how to use it. It turned out to have only taken me 2 1/2 hours to learn all of the basic functions, and I now know more about sewing than I ever have. I could tell you all the parts and how to change them out, and I can even switch effortlessly between stitches.

I took some photos because I wanted to document my attempt at using my very own sewing machine.

Greyscale makes everything classier, don't you think? And besides, sewing is such a vintage thing to me that it deserves a little black and white.

I love my sewing machine. I'm so excited to have it, and even more excited to use it.

This one I didn't do in greyscale because there wasn't enough contrast for it. This is a picture of my attempt at smocking. It wasn't a serious attempt, I was just pretty excited to learn the basic principles of how smocking is accomplished and then put it into practice. When I was a baby I would wear smocked dresses my mom had made for me, and I hope to someday make smocked dresses for my own little girl(s). First I need to master basic sewing principles though.

I'm pretty happy with how the pictures turned out.

I hope to be posting more pictures on my blog from now on, for a few reasons. One, then I'll have a reason to take pictures and develop my photography skills. Two, my blog will be more visually appealing with more colour on it. Three, it allows people to actually see what we've been up to rather than just reading about it, and four, because I love photog blogs. I find them so fun to read and I'm secretly jealous and want one for myself. Often pictures are my favourite part of a blog post, so why deny you readers the pleasure of looking at my sometimes laughable attempt at photography?

You can tell me when it's laughable, by the way, but I think I've been on a bit of a roll lately, not meaning to toot my own horn. Here are some cute photos I took of Elijah yesterday:

His eyes were drooping, despite the awkward position Matt was holding him in.

Believe me when I say that the relationship between droopy eyes and droopy soothers is directly proportional.

Fighting off the sleepiness because there is just so much going on.

Deciding in the end that he'd much rather be awake and smiling than sleeping and missing the action.

I **LOVE** that last photo of him, it so accurately reflects what he looks like.

So last night I had a dream that we were having another baby boy, and I was excited because it'd be like having twins (which is so funny, because with all the work one baby has been, I think I would rather pass on the whole twin thing) but then I realized that I wasn't actually pregnant yet, so they'd be more like a year apart. We were going to name this second baby boy Edmund and I'd call him Teddy or Ted for short. I actually really like the name Edmund (just for those who thought the whole Edmund thing was funny or a joke!) but once we found out Eli was a boy, Matt vetoed it. I didn't put up a fuss because I knew he was to be called Elijah anyway, but now I want to have another boy and name him Edmund so I can call him my little Teddy-bear.

Does that sound silly? And is it weird that I'm dreaming about getting pregnant pretty much immediately? It's not what I want, and can hardly be expected given our track record with getting pregnant, but it was a kind of exciting dream. Hmm. Not that it's prophetic or anything. I had a dream once that I got pregnant with twins, one boy and one girl, and I named them Graeme and Emme. I really like both of those names, but it wasn't until I was recounting the dream to Matthew when he laughed out loud at my name choice. Clearly I had award ceremonies on the mind, if I'm naming my only two kids anything that sounds like Grammy and Emmy.

And I know I'm rambling now, but I'm really big on baby names and get really excited about them. It's always the first thing I ask when someone has had a baby, and whenever I have a baby in my dreams I always know their name. I've dreamt of having babies named Cora Grace, Catherty, Elizabeth, Tommy, Graeme and Emme, and now Edmund.

Anyway, not too much else is new here. The doctor called with Eli's u/s results, but got Matt on the phone so I didn't get the full story, hence why I'm not canceling my Tuesday appointment for the results. I want to drill this guy with questions. AND I want to see if I can keep him as Eli's pediatrician after all this, rather than just going to a family doctor.

Dr. A didn't even mention the head u/s to Matt so I'm assuming it was unremarkable, until told otherwise. The bum dimple, on the other hand, went "pretty far" as Matt said. Meaning there is no bottom to it, or rather the bottom is rather far inside of him. This is increasingly worrisome for spina bifida, or at least it would be if Eli had more symptoms than a bum dimple. Dr. A said to not worry about it, given how strong Eli is, and how much movement he has with his legs, so that's what I'm trying to do. Not worry.

And like I said before. It could be spina bifida and still not be a big deal. A large number of people with the occulta form of s.b. (which is the type it would be if Eli has it) don't even know they have it because of how it doesn't affect them at all. So still normal, still healthy, still happy. PHEW. This not worrying business can be tiring sometimes. So anyway, the results are being sent off to McMaster, because that's standard procedure for this sort of thing, and they're going to call us with their own analysis of the u/s.

So after this whole s.b. scare and my dream last night of getting pregnant again soon, you can bet I'm taking my folic acid every day. Getting pregnant with Elijah was more than a little unexpected so I didn't take folic acid until I knew I was pregnant, at around 5 weeks, but the folic acid is most beneficial before you even know you're pregnant, like 0-4 weeks, or even pre-pregnancy, so I'm pretty sure I'll be taking folic acid as a safety precaution every day of my child-bearing years. Because I'm always going to wonder if maybe he wouldn't have the bum dimple if I'd been on folic acid.

Aaaand that's pretty much all that's new. I'm glad to be able to find more time to blog lately because I've missed it, even if I do mostly ramble about random things like baby names and sewing accomplishments. But hey, that's what our days are like these days, and what good is an update blog for but to keep you lovelies updated? ;)

Now I'm going to go eat dinner sooner than later as we're going to bed early in anticipation of daylight savings time and the loss of an hour of sleep that it entails. I feel like I'm hurting already.

Am I a bad mommy...

2010-03-10T18:34:00.001-08:00

...if my first thought upon seeing this face was, "quick, grab the camera!" ???

I can't help myself though. He's just so darn cute! Even when he's crying. Why do we find crying babies cute? It's not just human babies either. Kittens are cutest when they're mewing, and puppies are adorable when they whine, but cuter when they bark, I'd say. Even still though, there's something to be said about a cute-looking dependent crying for you, when you can fix it. You just want to scoop them up and kiss them (after capturing it on camera, of course.)

Those, my friends, are very knowing eyes. What a personality this little one has!

The white balance isn't very accurate in this one, but I really love his profile. He's a pretty good looking baby, in my opinion. Even if I AM biased, I've come to realize that most people think he's cute. I think he's absolutely beautiful on top of that, but I'll settle for people thinking he's cute.

So peaceful and precious when he's sleeping.

Sometimes he can be a bit of a bed hog. It's like he's staking out and claiming his territory.

Ohhhh the face!

I was going for more like this one, but he was pretty camera-d out, what with the photographer and me making the video. At least he's smiling lots in the video. Even still though, isn't his expression cute?

More of the bad mommy-ness. I couldn't resist.

Aaaaand here's a video of Elijah. It's long, I know...but he just kept on doing cute things and I didn't want to miss anything so I kept recording. The video covers smiles, frowns, fussing, sneezing, a couple yawns, cooing, wiggling, and general cuteness. It also shows you just how big his baby hands are, and at the beginning he does the whole throwing-out-the-chest things, where he sticks his chest up and puts his shoulders back while wiggling. SO cute. Basically the video gives people who have never seen Elijah in person (like Heidi, we miss you!) an idea of what he's like. He's been smiling more and more lately, I love it. Usually after a feeding and diaper change he spends a while happy and talking, unless he falls right asleep.

Speaking of Elijah sleeping, I'm going to go up to bed. It's 11:30, and Matt and Eli are in bed while I finish this post. I need to get to bed too, though, because Matt is going into work early tomorrow (okay, so he's going to work on time) which means I can't sleep in until 9:30 or 10 like I've been doing for the last...ohh, I don't know. 6 weeks? So it's going to be a tough morning. I need all the sleep I can get!

Enjoy!

Oh, and please forgive my annoying voice in the video. I know child-directed-speech bothers some people (especially Japanese, who don't use it at all!) but babies generally do like it better, and Elijah is no exception. He doesn't smile and coo unless we're gasping, smiling and cooing right back at him, and to be honest, it's fun to just babble on and imitate the sounds he makes. I tried really hard to not make a fool of myself in the video (apart from the high-pitched voice) but it's hard to not make a fool of yourself when you're trying to get a baby to smile. We might look ridiculous doing it, but in the end, I think the reward of the smiles, cooing, and laughter is more than worth it. :D

Waking Up

2010-03-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

Today makes 6 weeks since Elijah was born, and I feel a strong need to blog about it. Not that there's a whole lot to say (although I always find something to say...) but because it feels like a big milestone, and I want to take note of it.

I was told by a number of people that things would start to feel normal and routine by 6 weeks, so I've been waiting for this date in my mind. As with birthdays, I don't feel a big tangible difference between today and yesterday. That leads me to think that things started to feel normal-ish a week ago or so, but who knows, maybe things will be so different a week from now that, in hindsight, this really IS the turning point and I just don't know it yet.

I do feel like I'm waking up to the world though. I feel pretty functional in terms of being out in public with Elijah, although the novelty of being out with a stroller with a baby in it still hasn't worn off. I'm able to breastfeed pretty much anywhere now, and I'm grateful for the consideration of people around me when I do. Matthew and I went to a restaurant the other day and we were only mildly inconvenienced by waiting an extra 5 minutes for our table so that we could have a booth instead of a table with chairs, and when I was at the hospital for Eli's u/s last week I asked how much longer the wait would be as I needed to feed him, and the lady offered me a changeroom to feed him in rather than the waiting room, which I totally would have done. It was nice.

I'm also functional at home. I've figured out that if I want to make dinner I need to do it in steps throughout the day, and I don't mind taking a gamble and showering when no-one else is around to look after the baby.

The house is pretty tidy, although it'd feel cleaner if Pippin would stop taking Merry's poop out of the litterbox and leaving it on the middle of the living room carpet. I can't stand the gravel.

I think these feelings of goodness and normality come in part because of the nice weather we've been having. Yesterday the temperature hit the double digits (in celsius) and I was elated. Today it's one or two degrees warmer than that and all I want to do is be outside. I think that's the nice thing about having Elijah in January. February absolutely flew by and now it's almost the middle of March, and the warm weather has already begun. I was able to hibernate my way through winter and not be exposed too much to the chilly temperatures and icy pathways.

Soon it'll be bikeriding weather, and Matt and I are trying to find a way to still use our bikes with a little baby in tow (perhaps literally.) Any suggestions?

As for physical recovery, I'm doing well. I got the go-ahead to workout, so I've been on the treadmill once, just walking though. My muscles still feel shot but walking will help with that.

Elijah is doing well too. He's now 11 1/2 lb's, and 24 inches. He's grown out of his newborn sleepers and is almost out of some 0-3 months sleepers as well due to his length. He's long and thin, so it's a little hard to find the right size for him sometimes.

We don't have the results from the ultrasounds last week, but the bumps on his head are gone which is nice because he doesn't look so alien! His head actually has a really nice shape. I'm going to post a post that is just pictures and videos in the next day or two, so that you can see how much he's grown and filled out over the last few weeks. Also, we had a photographer come by today and take a bunch of traditional photos of him, so I'm looking forward to seeing those in a couple weeks.

Time feels like it is flying by. Part of me feels like it was just yesterday when we could count how old he is on one hand, and then part of me realizes that in two weeks he'll nearly be 2 months old, with a new cousin soon here. He'll still be so young, but he won't look so little next to another newborn! Especially when the newborn is a girl, and girls are typically smaller than boys.

In the world of non-baby updates, I read 3 of the greatest books over the last few weeks. Yes, I amazingly find time to read. It's so refreshing wanting to read now, because for the longest time I didn't feel like reading at all, which was very strange for me.

Anyway, these books are just about my favourite ever. At least of their genre anyway. The series is called Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson, and we discovered them through a slight mistake on Matt's mum's part. See, Matt's brother, Joel, sent two books home for Christmas gifts for Matt and Aaron, and mum got the books mixed up, so Matt got the one intended for Aaron. He read the book, LOVED IT, and then passed it on to Aaron, who it was meant for anyway. Aaron read it, Rachelle read it, and then, after hearing all the cool and amazing things about this book, we got it back and I read it. I was hooked. I mean, there were days these last few weeks where ALL I did was get up, feed Elijah, eat, read, feed Elijah, read while feeding Elijah, eat, read, feed Elijah, read some more, repeat this cycle another 5 times, and go to bed. Only to do it again the next day. I even was so hooked that once, while feeding Elijah at 3:30 in the morning, I kept reading after he was done, lost track of time, and finally thought, "Holly, don't be an idiot. Your newborn baby is sleeping on your lap, it's the middle of the night, and you're up reading a book? What time is it anyway...." and it turned out to be 5:30am. I went to bed, Eli started fussing at 6am, he fussed for an hour, I fed him at 7am, and Matt took Eli to let me sleep some more at 7:30. So I'd been up for 4 hours, just to read. Sometimes I amaze myself with my sheer idiocy! It was kinda worth it though.

So anyway, I would recommend the books. Very highly. The first one is called Mistborn, the second on is called The Well of Ascension, and the third one is called The Hero of Ages. I don't really know what to tell you about it. Let's see. The world is in a rough state, there is this big bad ruler who oppresses the majority of the population, and there is a group of people who object his rule. Also, they can do cool things with metals that is akin to magic, but isn't. It's a very revolutionary system.

Anyway, I can't write more because my little boy is looking at me while crying and it's breaking my heart, so I'm going to go feed him and then figure out dinner.

Check tonight or tomorrow for those pictures and videos!

They like me! They really really like me!

2010-02-24T06:53:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin with this post.

On Sunday MMC from Mommy's Midlife Crisis was so kind as to decide that my little blog here deserves an award. And not just any award. I have been given the Beautiful Blogger Award!

I want to thank MMC for this award, and let her now how excited about and honoured by it I am. I started this blog with the simple intent of keeping family and friends updated on what's going on in Matthew's and my life in our neck of the woods, and I never really thought it'd be passingly interesting to anyone who doesn't know us. It has kind of morphed from its original purpose, as I've used it instead as a place to write my thoughts, feelings and (perhaps a little too often) frustrations on life in general, and I'm so flattered that anyone should like to read my blog at all, let alone give me an award for it. So thank-you!!!

Anyway, here are the award rules, explaining how it works, so to speak.

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award . (done. But as an aside, don't you hate when you're told to thank someone? It makes your actual, sincere thanks a little bit cheap, like you wouldn't have said thank-you anyway. Which I totally would have!)
2) Copy the award and place it in your blog. (done. Note the new little side-button picture thing!)
3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award. (done in the thanks above, but here's one more for good measure: Mommy's Midlife Crisis)
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you . (done, although I chose to do 7 random things about me instead, and then you can be the judge as to whether or not they're interesting!)
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs. (done. See below!)

So first, 7 random things about me.

1) First I'll mention my OCD tendencies, because they make me laugh and you'll see right off the bat how random I am.

See, sometimes I think I'm OCD. I know everyone has a bit of OCD in them, but I think I'm a bit more OCD than the average Joe. For one thing, I count stairs. In places I frequent I can always tell you how many stairs there are per flight. I'd like to say this is so that I don't trip and fall when I'm carrying something that blocks my vision, but in reality, I just do it. In fact, I do it every time I'm climbing or descending stairs, I just only remember the number of the places I frequent. So there's OCD example 1.

OCD example 2 is that I really like palindromes on the odometer in my car. It excited me to no end when the k's were still below 100,000 and there was a palindrome every 110 km. Now it only happens every 1100 km, so it's an even bigger deal. I just think it looks so complete and cool. That's not necessarily OCD though. I guess the OCD comes in where I can't bear to look at the odometer when it's off by 1. It really bothers me. Like when it's 193392 instead of 193391. I'll soak up the perfectness of 193391 and then force myself to look away until it's well past 193392 because it bugs me to even see the odometer change from the one to the other.

OCD example 3 is a recent one. On Saturday Matt and I went to Walmart, and while there we picked up some hangers. Okay, so it was more than some hangers. It was a set of 30 white hangers of the type that I like. I was pretty excited about these new hangers. Here's why.

Some months ago I went through Matthew's and my closet. There were a ton of white hangers, and a moderate number of blue hangers, and then a bunch of hangers that were random colours. Of course the random colours bothered me, so I spent an hour hanging all of Matt's clothes on the blue hangers and all of my clothes on the white hangers, and then I put the random hangers in our front closet. But ohhh, what a problem for me it was when Matthew grabbed a white hanger to hang his shirt on, simply because the white hanger was closest to the end of the bunch of hangers. From that point on I kept Matt's blue hangers on the end, hoping he'd get the picture.

Recently, however, he ran out of blue hangers and had to use my white ones again. There was nothing to be done, so I just let it be, but it stilled irked me, because his solitary white hanger didn't match the rest of his blue hangers.

So when we were at Walmart I noticed this huge bunch of my favourite white hangers. I looked for blue ones for Matt, but couldn't find any. That's okay though, because my solution was to go through his entire wardrobe and replace the blue ones with white. Problem solved, right? Wrong! See, before I was just using all these mismatched white hangers, and using my favourite sturdy ones for the clothes I used the most. But now that I had a near endless supply of my favourite white ones, what was to stop me from only using my favourite ones? So I went through my wardrobe and replaced my mismatched white ones too. Which then got relegated with the blue ones to the hallway closet downstairs. I also had purchased a group a thick, sturdy blue hangers for heavy coats, so I rehung all of our coats in the closet, using Matt's old blue hangers for my spring jackets, and the sturdy blue ones for all the winter coats. Now there is a supply of matching blue thin and blue sturdy hangers ready to be used in the closet, along with some neutral white ones in case the blue ones run out with company over. And I totally threw out the mismatched hangers and the 20 wire ones that were in there from before, because we'd never need that many hangers, and those ones just didn't match.

So there. Is that OCD enough for you? And while we're on the topic of hangers, I must say I love plastic hangers. Growing up I only used wire ones, and I envied the plastic ones, but they cost money, and why spend money on plastic hangers when you have an endless stockpile of wire ones at your disposal? Then when I moved out I had to buy hangers and you can only buy plastic, but I didn't mind. I felt so posh and expensive buying the plastic ones, and I'm afraid I can just never go back to wire. They are an insult to my clothing.

2) While we're on the topic of shopping, I might as well continue and tell you the honest to goodness truth about my shopping tendencies. See, the truth is, shopping makes me happy. It's so materialistic, and I wish it wasn't true, but it is. There is something very exciting about buying new things to me, and it's easy for me to get carried away. I loved the movie, "Confessions of a Shopaholic" because, while I'm not a shopaholic (or maybe I'm just in denial...) I could totally empathize with a lot of the feelings she expressed. It made the movie quite hilarious to me because I could see how ridiculous I am sometimes. And I know it is complete ridiculousness.

But the fact remains that there is a thrill associated with buying things. When I am feeling down and Matt asks what would make me feel better, my mind always flicks to things to buy. Sad, huh? And when I'm feeling blue and can't think of anything I'd like to do, shopping always cheers me up.

Just so that you don't think I'm terribly selfish and materialistic, however, I have to admit that shopping makes me feel horrible if I'm buying something we can't afford, or if I go overboard and buy too much. I can just feel Matt's disapproval, and I feel about 3 inches tall. Not that he makes me feel that way on purpose, I just feel like I've let him down. So he's helped A LOT since we've been married, because I'm finally accountable to someone other than myself. If I wasn't I'd have a hard time budgeting and meeting payment deadlines, but I am so much better at saving and not spending too much since Matthew and I got married, and I completely have him to thank for it.

3) Okay, now for something (a little) less quirky, just so people don't think I'm entirely insane.

Random thing number 3 is how much I miss being pregnant. It's funny to think of when I have this amazingly adorable little boy to hug and hold and kiss all over, but I really really do miss it.

I miss feeling him kick inside of me, and the miracle of this big belly carrying a complete and separate being inside of me. I miss singing and knowing he can hear me. I even miss wondering when he'll be born, how much he'll weigh, what he'll look like, and so on. Isn't that silly? All the things that drove me nuts before.

I think back on labour and delivery, and I miss that too. Because WOW that was an exciting time! It hurt like the dickens, but it was so thrilling and emotional. I'm really looking forward to experiencing it again. Waking up because my waters broke and knowing that this would be the day my son is born.

I miss the excitement of finding out I'm pregnant and deciding how and when I'm going to tell people. I miss deciding whether we're going to find out if it's a boy or girl, and I miss ultrasounds with little babies on the screen.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm so HAPPY to have my little boy here. There are things I'm experiencing now that I'm soon going to look back on and miss too, so I'm trying to soak it all in. Instead of counting down the weeks, I'm counting up the weeks. Instead of rejoicing in milestones such as viability, eyesight and lung development, I'm charting milestones like laughter, cooing, and sleeping through the night. Instead of enjoying first heartbeats, ultrasounds and kicks, I'm enjoying first time out with the stroller, first time at church, first time breastfeeding away from home.

Of course life is beautiful and better now than when I was pregnant. It's moving forwards and progressing, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm just also very appreciative of the time I could spend pregnant, and wildly excited to do it again soon. But not too soon, because I want to fully enjoy my sweet little baby Eli.

4) I'm pretty sure my biggest character flaw is a lack of diligence, or to put it bluntly, laziness. In saying so, I'm not trying to state how awesome I am because I have such a seemingly minor character flaw, while others that I could have as my biggest one are much more serious. Quite the contrary. I think lazy is one of the worst things someone could possibly be, and it sucks.

There is so much that I'm capable of. There's so much EVERYONE is capable of, if we just manage to use the time given us wisely. So often I feel like 24 hours in a day is just not enough, but it's usually after having spent my morning reading blogs, looking at houses on mls.ca, pricing things I'll likely never buy, picking out bedding sets that I'd like to buy for the nursery (okay, so that wasn't a recent one, but I seriously wasted hours online doing that...) and so on. All that time wasted. Or not wasted, because they aren't particularly bad things to be doing. They're just not things that will build me and mold me into the person I want to become.

Here's a little anecdote that I really like. I can't remember if it's a true story or not, but I simply love the attitude. There was this old lady who was 80 years old. One day she told her daughter that she was going to go to university and get a bachelor's degree. The daughter laughed at her because, not only was the idea of an 80-year-old going to university with a bunch of 20-year-olds ludicrous, but the probability of her graduating was slim given her advanced age. The daughter (who, herself, was in her 50's) said to her mother, "Mom, do you know how old you'll be when you graduate???" to which the old lady replied, "Yes daughter. The same age I'll be if I don't graduate." This lady totally understood the concept of using your time to do worthwhile things, and exactly how much one person is capable of if they put their mind to it.

I so WANT to be like that. I want to be the person who has a new craft every day for their kids, who keeps a clean house, makes meals for her family, can sing, play piano, sew, make things with her own hands, spend time playing with her kids and kissing their scraped knees, and still have time to think about the needs of other around her. But when it comes down to it, I squander my time and don't have much to show for my day and all I've done. And it's all because of a lack of diligence. A lack of that determination to make something more of myself.

This lack of diligence doesn't just affect life in general though. How motivated can a lazy person be to say prayers, read scriptures, and seek after spiritual things? Do I expect everything to be handed to me, and to come without work attached? I want to be a grade 10 pianist, but do I want to work for it? I want a masters degree, but do I really understand the sacrifice and time that goes into it? I really, truly do want to inherit the celestial kingdom, but is that desire enough to keep me moving throughout the day, doing things that will draw me closer to the spirit, and strengthen me, preparing me for that day?

**sigh** yes, I know my shortcomings, and they are many. I feel that my pride, desire for materialistic things, difficulty not judging others, and short temper are failings, indeed, but none of them are so great life-altering as my laziness, which affects my motivation to overcome each of those faults in turn.

So lately I've been working really hard at being productive. I've been starting with little things, like getting dressed and ready for the day in the morning rather than the afternoon, simply because it's good for my psyche, and finding a chore to do around the house so that they don't all pile up on me and make me feel unorganized. I'm determined to do something about this, and I know it won't come overnight. This is really a lifelong pursuit, but I hope to have made enough progress in the next few years that my son won't learn to be lazy from me. I want so much to be a good example for him, and to teach him diligence, but I know that in order to do so, I must be diligent myself.

So there. That's random, and long, but it's something personal about myself, and who doesn't find a person's deepest character flaws interesting?? ;)

5) I am a self-proclaimed closet nerd (who I suppose is coming out of the closet, given the public nature of this blog...ha.) I make a fool of myself dancing and singing along to music in my car, I enjoy spending my time reading and doing crafts that apparently only old people do, like cross-stitching, I couldn't tell you the first thing about what is fashionable to wear these days, I most often don't wear make-up because it's too much work when I don't think I look that bad, I feel extremely awkward on the phone with people and say things at the wrong time feeling like a moron and hanging up feeling convinced the person on the other line thought so too, even if they're a close friend, I actually really enjoy a good fantasy novel as long as it's not too wordy or cliche, I enjoy playing board games more than video games, I subconsciously dance along whenever Matt sings a song or taps out a beat, I make faces at myself in the mirror when no-one's looking, sometimes I repeat conversations aloud when I think I'm alone just to try to remember how I might have sounded to the other person when I said what I said, and (trust me, this is a big confession) when Matt got the stuff to sell Dungeons and Dragons and brought it home to test it out, I played too and actually really enjoyed it. I find role-playing games fun, even if I'm terrible at them because I feel too silly pretending to be anyone other than myself. To me it's just one big board game though.

So yes, big closet nerd. I think most people knew I was a nerd to begin with (let's face it, I've never been popular. In fact, I was the kid who got made fun of by the popular kids, and could therefore be termed the LEAST popular and the biggest nerd) but I bet it was quite the revelation, realizing I'm an even BIGGER nerd than you ever thought! You know what though? While in highschool I had a hard time with nerd-status, but I've since wised up. I don't think it's such a big deal, and I like who I am, so what do I care if I don't have someone's social approval? At least, I tell myself that most of the time, and try to believe it 100%, but who doesn't wanted to be universally accepted?

6) I'm starting to run out of random things, let alone interesting things about myself, so I'll just revert to silly things I've done in the past, shortening up each thing or else you're not going to want to read any more of my long long posts.

I lived up north for the summer between grades 12 and OAC, working at an icecream store called 3 Cows and a Cone. The summer was a complete bust because my boyfriend worked at the same place and the owner decided to schedule us on alternating shifts, so I'd work 10-4 and he'd work 4-10. I didn't save money because I was terrible at saving then, and I came home from the summer convinced that my boyfriend of 1 year was going to dump me the second he got to university. I mean, the guy practically asked for permission to do so, saying that if I were to go away to university and meet someone great, he would want me to "go for it" and he'd totally understand...hint hint...Yeah. The guy totally expected me to say, "yeah, I feel the same way!" Not happening. Then when I dumped him a month later he had the audacity to say it was mutual! Coward. So what a dumb summer!

BUT the icecream store was actually really fun and had SO many flavours. My favourites were peaches and cream, turtles, something to do with pecans, and banana chocolate frozen yogurt.

I still have family up there who Matthew and I are going to go up and visit this summer, and I totally plan on dragging Matthew around to my old haunts. 3 Cows and a Cone, swimming off the docks downtown (or maybe just walking along them, given we'll have a 6-month-old with us!), the best poutine on the island (purchased from the competing icecream store) hiking at the Cup and Saucer, fresh fish and chips, and swimming at Low Island. I have some pretty fun memories of being up north with friends, and doing some crazy stupid things that I'd never do now, like jumping off the bridge, or walking across the ice at Low Island to see the ruins on the other side. I'm glad my mom didn't know about those things until it was too late to punish me for them.

7) As uninspired as this 7th random thing about me will be, I'm going to tell you about my dream house, because I'm otherwise out of things to say.

I dream of living in an old house of unspecified size. There must a walk-up attic, two staircases going from the main floor to the second floor, bay windows, a library with a fireplace and big comfy chairs in it, and a large kitchen with an island that you can eat at. I have a few dream libraries, one being the one from Beauty and the Beast (SO unattainable) the one from Casper, and the one from My Fair Lady. That ones isn't so unattainable, and it's fun because it has a second floor and a spiral staircase. Which spiral staircase wouldn't count as one of the two staircases from upstairs to downstairs. OH and there must be a secret room or passageway somewhere, very Nancy Drew style. I want a walk-in closet with a window in it, and I want the house to be surrounded by an orchard, so that I can revel in the blossoms in springtime.

I'm pretty sure my dream house doesn't exist, because it's combining houses I've seen in movies and in real life throughout the years, but I'll completely settle for building said dream house instead of finding it. Especially because I care about the outside of the house too. Oh, and in the dream house there must be lovable nooks and crannies, like a landing with a bay window and bench seat half-way up the stairs, or shelves built into the wall, or laundry chutes or dumb waiters. Except the last two can be dangerous with kids.

Well folks, there you have it. 7 random things about me, and probably a whole lot of extra junk and thoughts that you weren't anticipating or wanting. How nice for you! ;) I am a teeny bit sorry if I bored you, but only a teeny bit because, hey, it's my blog.

Aaaaaaaaand now for my own Beautiful Blogger awards!

This is tough because there are so many blogs that I read where the people don't even know I exist, so how on earth am I supposed to give them an award? I think I won't worry about it, and I'll just confer the award while referring you to their awesome blogs. Because even if they don't know I exist, I think other people should know they exist, I love them that much.

So, without further adieu, here they are:

1) Confessions of a Kin Major - okay so Red knows I exist, but I love her blog! She's so open about her fitness goals and the obstacles she faces while working all the while to get in shape. I admire her diligence (given my lack of it) and how she'll be honest with herself when she feels she needs to change (even if I think she's too hard on herself a lot of the time!)

2) The R House - I've mentioned this blog before, and I'm 99.9% sure she's not aware of me given that I don't comment very often, but I love reading this blog. Lindsey has been through the ringer with infertility and adoption and I admire her courage and wisdom throughout it all. She's an amazing adoption advocate and a very devoted mother, not to mention a clever and witty writer.

3) Kyla Roma - I found this blog through another blog's recommendation, and I really enjoy reading it. Kyla is very industrious and quite dedicated to living a quiet life doing fun things like make jam and have moustache parties with her friends. It's definitely a refreshing read.

4) Stefanie Jinelle's Journey - Stefanie is a proud birthmother who placed her baby for adoption 5 months ago. She's great at talking through her feelings and telling it like it is, and I really appreciate that (even though sometimes I'm not very good at it myself.)

5) Xbox 4 NappyRash - I'm still trying to figure this blog out, but I really love reading it. It is pregnancy from the perspective of the dad, and man, this guy can write. Mostly he throws a comedic spin on everything that his wife has to experience, but recently his daughter was born and his eloquence on the matter is heart-melting. I like to read just to see what he'll say next, and I'm never disappointed (though sometimes quite confused) by his posts.

6) Heather Now - This blog belongs to my sister-in-law's sister-in-law, and it's a great read. I love the crafts she does with her girls, and I'm jealous of her photography skills when it comes to these crafts and posting the results. She also charges for her photography services and posts sample photos of her sessions on the blog, so it's fun to look at and get ideas.

7) Enjoying the Small Things - This blog is a very very recent find. I was referred to it by my sister-in-law who sent an email out to her friends and family referring them to this woman's birth story, which truly is the most amazing thing to me. She gave birth to a baby girl about a week before I had Elijah, and they didn't know until she delivered that their girl has Down Syndrome. She had a really difficult time at first with this diagnosis, as she wrote about in the birth story (found here) but is amazingly resilient and optimistic (helped, of course, by her how beautiful her new little baby is, and how sweet her 2-year old girl is.) I want to be like her when I grow up. ;)

So there you have it. I think of all those only 2 know I exist, but if you were to just go there and check them out, I'm positive you won't be disappointed.

And now, my friends, I simply must finish this post. It has taken me forever (well over the 2 hours I usually have of free time in a day!) I started this morning around 10am, and I've been doing it on and off all day. It's now 3:15 and I need to have a belated lunch before my little boy wakes up and demands his own belated lunch, or early dinner.

Hopefully I'll have time to post again soon, but in light of my trying to be diligent and do more worthwhile things, please don't be surprised if it's another week or so before I post. I need to pull out that sewing machine, take some pictures of Elijah, and continue working on my riveting new book, so I might be a little busy! I hope you have an excellent week though, and if you're anywhere in Ontario, I hope you enjoy the big snowstorm that is coming our way tomorrow...I know I'm going to!

And maybe you should sleep...

2010-02-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. You're probably thinking that I've dropped off the face of the planet, or been killed in some freak avalanche. At times I would agree with you. You know, the whole in-another-world thing, or feeling buried by lots of snow and completely unable to move. But I'm feeling less and less like that and life is (dare I say it?) starting to feel normal again. But not completely normal, just, normal with a baby. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm told it takes 5-6 weeks, and we're at 4 tomorrow, so I've got time.

I'm starting to figure out what to expect from my day, and how much I can reasonably hope to accomplish. I'm figuring out how to take naps and I even took my first shower with no-one else home the other day. I'm happy to say that Eli slept through the whole thing and I wasn't too traumatized by the experience to never want to try again.

Here's a problem I've encountered though: I want to do too many things. That may sound like a no-brainer statement, but before I had Elijah I didn't want to do anything. And I mean ANYthing. Movies were boring. Reading had lost its appeal. Piano was a chore, cross-stitching was a pain, socializing was for cheerful people, and cooking was right out. The only thing I felt like doing was housework, because it made me feel like I had some control and that things were ready-ish for the advent of babydom.

Now that Elijah's here, my desire to do things other than have a baby has returned, mostly because my ability to do them has decreased. I was so bored before he came, and now I'm once more grateful for the time I have to myself to do whatever I want. It's probably because I only get a couple hours like that in a day.

So NOW I'm having a really hard time managing to do all of the things I was capable of doing in a day before being a mommy. I want to read my new book, I want to work on my Christmas stocking cross-stitches, not to mention the three new patterns I have to work on, I want to make Matthew dinner (isn't that funny? I WANT to do it!) I want to attempt newborn photos of Eli, I want to write in my journal, I want to learn a new song on the piano, I want to do laundry, write thank-you cards, watch movies, see friends, learn to sew, learn to thread my new sewing machine (which I haven't touched since the day I bought it...the day before Eli was born), and, last but not least, I want to write a blog post every now and then.

But when you only have 2 hours in a day of time to yourself, there are obviously many things that get cut from that list of things to do.

Honestly, it's been pretty easy to cut out frequent blog posts, especially when I dedicate all sorts of time to a post that gets interrupted by a hungry baby, and then never finished, making me feel like my me-time was wasted and could have been spent doing something that makes me feel better than a job undone. Like sleeping. How frustrating when I don't even manage to get a post up, and could have spent that time sleeping or showering.

So I'm sorry, I really really am, but blogging has (unsurprisingly) been put on a bit of a back-burner lately. I'm still reading blogs, though, and checking in here for comments (but being horrible at responding to them...I put a lot of time into my comments, and they are often like blog posts in and of themselves!)

AAAH even as I read this it is to the sounds of Matthew trying to soothe Elijah when I should probably stop being a negligent mother and feed him already. Not that I'm starving him, he ate an hour ago, but still.

And there are so many things I want to post on! Tomorrow's task will be dedicated to thanking MMC for the blog award she gave me (THANKS!) and paying it forward. I think it deserves its own post, so if I don't get it up tomorrow, keep checking in. I WILL write that post.

For now, I'm going to stick with an update that will most likely be brief (to my standards...haha) but if Eli manages to get his tired self to sleep with the help of his soother and daddy, then it'll be a teeny bit longer.

So. Having a newborn is all kinds of fun! Elijah is getting cuter and cuter and cuter! He's filling out, getting chubby cheeks, and displaying a bit of a personality.

He started smiling at us a week ago, and cooing too, which I was thrilled about to begin with but all the more so when my midwife was impressed by it. Apparently babies don't normally coo until 4-6 weeks, and my clever boy started at 3.

He really likes his diaper being changed, and is most likely to coo and smile at us then as he pins his arms down, throws out his chest, and squirms delightedly. He also loves baths and just sits there kicking his legs in the water. He cries when he has to get out, but that's probably because of the cold.

He likes sleeping in his rocking chair that vibrates, and he sleeps the longest and most soundly in it. I hate to admit it, but we've totally resorted to letting him sleep in it at night just to maintain our sanity. I have a play-yard that I try to get him to sleep in but to no avail. That rocker has pretty much saved me these last few nights. Take last night, for instance. He "slept" in the play-yard beside me from 11 to 2:30. I say "slept" because he fussed almost the entire time. I got two 1/2 hour naps in there where I managed to slip into slumber because he was quiet for that small period of time. the rest of the time he slept noisily, which involved grunting and squealing every so often for minutes at a time, then staying quiet for a while, then needing his soother, then spitting it out and being fine, then grunting some more. And all of this with his eyes shut, so mostly I just let him grunt, but that doesn't mean I slept at all, even it that's what he was doing. So then I fed him at 2:30-3, and put him in the rocker for the remainder of the night, and he slept soundly until 6:40, no fuss, no nothing. Just sweet, blissful sleep. So today at Babies 'R' Us I bought a book on healthy sleep for babies, adding one more thing to my list of things to do. :D

Oh, and just to prove my point, I just had to stop writing this to feed Eli for the 4th time in 3 1/2 hours. Tears very nearly ensued, I felt sure this post would once again only make it to the draft folder, I felt frustrated and quite sure that life was working against me. But Matthew promised to look after Elijah once I had satisfied his (meaning Elijah's) demanding appetite, and here I am, trying once more to finish the impossible-to-finish-update-post! Take that universe.

Not that I have long though...my battery is about to die.

Hmm...what else?

My recovery is going well, though I don't feel 100% yet. I squated the other day and hurt for a few days afterwards, and I feel like my muscles are kindof shot still. Oh, and Kegel exercises are not just for keeping your pee in after the baby is born. Seriously, if I knew how much those muscles would hurt every time I go to the bathroom, I'd have been doing exercises a lot sooner. People try to remind me of what a traumatic thing my body experienced by delivering Eli, but it's not sinking in. I personally think that being pregnant would have been a bigger thing for my body than labour and delivery, but that's not the impression I'm getting from other people. I guess people do die in childbirth, so I see what they mean. Let's just be glad I didn't die!

Oh, now I'm being dramatic. I'm doing better than just not being dead, I'm just not 100% and I really thought I would be by, like, 2 weeks post-partum, not to mention 4. I'm concerned that I won't be better by 6 weeks when the midwives discharge me. Who will I call with my problems then? Also, this area where there was stitches before is hurting again and stinging, so I'm worried something opened back up. **sigh** I guess I don't deal well with the stinging pain of stitches. I'm more of a bone-pain kinda girl.

Oh, here's something good and progressive! So you might have noticed in earlier pictures of Elijah that there was a sizeable bump on his head. This was caused either by being engaged crooked for a long time, or by hitting my cervix crooked throughout labour each time I had a contraction. Either way, it's fluid from blood vessels under the surface of the skin, against the skull. It's not a big deal mostly, it should go away, but it's still something worth seeing a pediatrician about. So see a pediatrician we did. Since then (last week) it's gone down remarkably in size and is almost gone, but if it doesn't go away entirely soon then the fluid will harden and turn into bone, I guess from the calcium that is in blood. It'll leave a bump on his skull which they'd then have to file down if it's too big. So I'm glad that it's almost gone. I'll do a comparison shot another day.

The pediatrician also noticed Eli's bum dimple. See, Elijah was born with a sacral dimple, which in most cases is just cute and looks like a second little bum hole. Weird, but no problem. Then there are the very few cases where it is indicative of something more serious, like a minor case of spina bifida. So begin freak-out. We're going for an ultrasound of the area to make sure it's not. I was pretty upset about this until I realized that it's likely not that, and that even if it is it's the least severe kind, which a lot of people don't even realize they have because it affects them not at all. Eli is strong and healthy, has that cute standing/walking instinct that babies have, kicks his legs lots, AND you can see the bottom of the hole, so it's probably no big deal. But still. I mean, really, how much do you really want to think about such things? So bummer. No pun intended.

And I think I'm going to have to cut this short right here. Partly because I can't think of anything else to write about, and partly because the Our Lady Peace song I'm listening to just said, "And maybe you should sleep..." and then I realized how tired I am and that my battery is about to die, and my son is sleeping and I'm wasting good rest time. PHEW. How was that for a run-on sentence? And there's the OLP line again suggesting that I sleep. I'm going to listen.

And I'm going to try to post some more tomorrow, so check in!

Fears

2010-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

Remember in highschool when people were big on random facts about themselves that apparently identified who you really are? When you were too young to really understand that a person is so much more than the random bits of how their personality is expressed?

I remember one of the things that people wanted to know was what your biggest fear was. And weren't the answers just ridiculous? Spiders, sharks, heights, public speaking, etc. Okay, so ridiculous might be a little unfair. I know that these fears are very real to some people. But then, sometimes people would say they were afraid of something simply because everyone had a fear, and they, therefore, had to as well. Kind of like how I always said I was Anglican simply because my parents were married in an Anglican building, and my first two siblings were christened or baptized Anglican as babies.

My fear was stairs with no backs to them. See what I means about ridiculous? But I still think someone grabbing your ankles through the stairs is way creepy.

So my point is that we thought we knew what our fears were. I have long since realized that there are bigger things to worry about than stairs with no backs to them.

Now, that being said, I can also remember a wise friend who once told me that a perfect man fears nothing. What is death by spider to someone who is confident that they will be resurrected again?

But most of us aren't perfect, or at least I know I certainly am not, so I have many fears that I feel are legit, or at least more legit than the invented fears of highschool. Sometimes I have a hard time not living by these fears, and letting them influence my happiness.

So what is this great fear of mine, that often rules my life and keeps me up at night? I'm sure it's the same as many of your fears. It's that I'll lose someone I love. And not just anyone. I fear that I'll lose Matthew and have to go on living without him by my side.

I'm sure there will be people who read this who think I'm completely pathetic, and I'll be the first to admit my dependence on my husband. I'd say I can't imagine life without him, but I can, and it scares me. Like, a lot. I try really hard to ignore my fears and remind myself that very few people have to experience the loss of a spouse. It's not common, and what's more, it's unproductive, living by such fear, when it affects life now and makes it anything less than completely happy.

So I tell myself these things, maintain my sanity, and cry when I have to be separated from Matt for even a night. Then I go and enjoy myself, come home the next day, and rejoice when I see Matt again and he gives me a big big hug.

But life is different now, and I have someone else to think about. It makes my fear...bigger.

Look at this little face.

I love him so much that it amazes me. I feel like for the first time I understand the concept of loving someone so much it hurts, because right alongside the love I have for him is the fear of losing him. Just when I think, "I love him so much and I can't believe he is mine," the thought crops up that he may not always be around and could I handle losing someone I love so much?

It's astonishing how debilitating fear can be. One thing that I have learned over the last couple weeks is how I need to let go of my fears and trust Heavenly Father. I don't know what the future holds. Maybe it DOES hold the loss of my beloved husband or son. But is that any reason to live now as if it will happen? No. Or at least, not entirely. I still tell Matthew I love him so often that I worry he'll get sick of hearing it, but he hasn't yet. I give him lots of hugs and kisses, and try to tell him all the time how much I appreciate him. I don't let us part in anger or frustration (most of the time...sometimes I'm pretty stubborn though. And when I am stubborn, I'm usually on my cell phone minutes later apologizing. Because it's usually my fault. Ha.)

But I'm trying oh so hard to live by faith and not fear, because I'm just plain sick and tired of being scared and paranoid. And you know what? I have been blessed with so many things to make me happy and rejoice, so I'm going to do just that.

Excuse me while I go feed my hungry little boy and spend some quiet time with my big boy.

The worst day yet

2010-02-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

Things with Elijah had been going so well. Me? Not so much. But still, SO well with Eli. I might have known it was too good to last! It was like we were 4-year olds excited to have a new best friend, until we had our first big fight. We're over it now, but that first little squabble still left its battle wounds.

What was the problem? Breastfeeding of course. The one thing I thought I had down. Here's how it went.

At first it sucked and was really painful. Then I figured it out. We were getting along swimmingly until my milk came in. Then we had an issue because, heaven forbid, I had TOO MUCH. Like more than normal too much. It hurt a lot and we had to resort to some crazy memorable nursing positions (eg-Eli over my shoulder) to clear some of the milk and avoid Crisis Mastitis. Throughout it all though, Eli's latch was great, he hardly dropped any weight and gained it all back. He was back to his birthweight less than a week after he was born. It didn't hurt for me any more, and once the engorgement was no longer an issue, we'd be great, right? WRONG!

See, Elijah was filling up pretty well and doing this awesome thing where he'd sleep 3-3.5 hours between feedings. It made sleep at night for me really nice and not that different from before he was born. All seemed to be going right, and Matthew and I had even started commenting on how life was starting to feel strangely normal. HA.

Then yesterday I had a home visit from one of my midwives, and she weighed Eli. He had been 9lb 8oz 6 days before, so he needed to be 9lb 14oz to satisfy her. I didn't think that'd be a problem because he had always exceeded the expected weight gain (we were just such pros at breastfeeding.) But it wasn't to be. He was only 9lb 10oz, and all of a sudden we were talking about supply issues.

SUPPLY ISSUES. Yes, apparently it's possible to go from having too much for 3 babies to not enough for 1. I kept it together pretty well when she was here and then went downstairs to Matt to cry. Aaaaaaaand begin the bad day.

I was basically told to feed all the time, or as often as he could possibly want to, and do breast compressions at the same time. Neither the midwife nor I could possibly have realized what that would mean for yesterday though.

Elijah would feed for 5 minutes. MAYBE 10 at best. Then he'd fall asleep before he was done. He'd sleep for 5-10 minutes, wake up content (the content bit would last another 10 minutes) and then he'd randomly lose it because he was hungry, tired and wanted to be soothed. So he'd eat again, but be so tired that it'd put him to sleep. Repeat this cycle for a good 6 hours, throw in a whole lot of tired tears from me, and you have my afternoon. The poor little guy didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at one time the entire day.

By 6pm I felt like a broken woman. I know that sounds dramatic. It's because it totally was. I was a mess, saying that I'm a failure and can't even provide him with the sustenance that he needs, he must be so fussy because he's starving, we're going to have to resort to formula and he's not even 2 weeks old, blah blah blah. I called the midwife on call and she assured me I was not a failure, I was doing a great job, keep up the good work, it gets easier, normal to go through this, don't worry, etc, etc. It helped so much, and made me glad I have midwives. Ironically, it was the same midwife who was there when I was in labour. So strange. I still like her a lot though.

The evening got a little better because he'd feed at 8, fuss/sleep until 9, then do it again until 10, and then 11. I was afraid to go to bed, because I didn't want to be woken up constantly to deal with that, but he was actually pretty good throughout the night.

This morning wasn't too bad, and I was hopeful that he'd actually have gained the target ounce since yesterday with all the drama and difficulty.

My midwife came by at 12, weighed him, and wouldn't you know it, the little stinker had put on 4 ounces! Mind you, he had just fed, but that was so beyond excellent that I felt like laughing. Maybe not a "haha, that's funny" laugh, but more of a "hahahaha, I'm going crazy and more than a little hysterical, hey, throw me that straight-jacket..." kind of laugh. But still, laughing is good.

And now he's sleeping. He slept this morning for 45 minutes, and I can already feel that today is a better day.

So I think we're okay. The mw said that my supply seems to be fine, that he's probably going through a growth spurt (they do that at 2 weeks apparently), and cluster feeding at the same time. If there was a problem with my supply, he was fixing it for me. **sigh** I just feel emotionally and physically drained from all of the...excitement for lack of a better word.

And I know that Jonah days come to everyone, but do they have to hit you so hard and suddenly? Really. I wanna know.

P.S. I just read the word "probed" on another blog, and my mind actually processed it as "pro-bed" until the rest of the sentence didn't make sense. Then I thought, "What in the world is pro-bed? Some form of bedrest?!" and then it clicked. Maybe I need to get my IQ checked along with the whole infection thing.

A much needed update

2010-02-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sure this comes as a surprise to no-one, but W-O-W things really change when you have a baby! I completely underestimated how much time would be consumed by this little munchkin.

There are so many things I've started to do and haven't finished this last week and a bit. In fact, the only things I've managed to do fully are feeding, showering, and...huh. I guess that's it. I started a blog post the other day and it's now outdated, I wrote in my journal for a bit, but only managed to get down 1/4 of my birth story, I've started filling in information in Eli's baby book but have put it down repeatedly, the laundry is washed but is sitting in baskets in the spare room, recent thank-you cards are half-done, and I won't even begin to tell you how many prayers have been cut short by a baby spitting up all over me.

Like I said, I've managed to feed Elijah, and keep myself pretty clean, and right now I think that's good enough. I guess those are my priorities, because you always make time to do the things that are most important to you.

I've heard of people who go weeks without showering regularly, or brushing their teeth, etc, and I totally get that. But for me, I crave the cleanliness because it makes me feel human and not like a machine.

Good days for me consist of feeding, getting dressed and prettied up (sans make-up, because that's one thing that is not a priority to me) doing one chore around the house, getting a nap in, and spending some time with Matthew. I feel pretty great on those days, but I still find the time passes too quickly.

Then there are the days where it's already 4pm and too late for a nap, and all I've done is fed and comforted my little boy and ate some food. They aren't bad days, they're just...days. I don't know what else to call them, because it feels like I just go into survival mode on those days.

All in all, though, having a newborn has not been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. He sleeps for 3-4 hour chunks throughout the night, and getting up with him has not been a big issue yet. Sometimes I'm up for over an hour, but then Matthew takes him around 8am and lets me sleep another hour or two, and all is well. I don't know what I'll do this next week when Matt goes back to work, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

No, Elijah has not given me a bad taste in my mouth where newborns are concerned, and he's not even a perfect baby. He has gas issues (so we think) and has a hard time burping, and then 10-20 minutes later he has the hiccups and starts crying until he's spit up 3-4 times, and then he's fine. It makes him falling asleep after a feeding a little difficult, but we're adjusting. We kindof think we've been dealt a fussy (though thankfully not colicky) baby, but seeing as we've never had a baby before, we really don't know the difference, and don't mind it.

This might seem random, but I think I'm going to do the rest of this entry in point-form because then I can stop at any point I please and manage to get a post up already!

So here it goes.

-the surprising thing to me has been my own recovery. 11 days later and I'm still having troubles.

-my first visit out of the house was to go to a walk-in clinic on Friday. Long story short, I woke up and almost fainted, had a fever of 102 (38.85) hot-cold flashes and a headache. Was pretty sure I had mastitis, although only the infection-symptoms gave it away. Had to leave Elijah at home for fear of him catching something at the clinic. Was the worst hour, knowing he was so far away (a whopping 6 minute drive.) Doctor at the clinic thought my stitches were infected and that I didn't have mastitis. Gave me antibiotics. Midwife came by to check out and remove stitches, said they DON'T look infected, but who knows, I clearly had an infection, antibiotics could only help, yadda yadda yadda. Feeling 100 times better now, pretty sure it's a uterine infection, will be gone in 10 days, not too worried. Just a little pained.

-having a hard time with the muscles in my upper legs and bum area. Feels like I've been sitting too long, makes sitting w/o leaning forwards uncomfortable, standing gets tiring, so only laying down helps.

-stitches were hurting a heck of a lot (another midwife estimated 10 stitches, so there, now you know the rough number), had to put polysporin on them to go to the bathroom, it's working so I'm happy.

-engorgement sucks. Enough said. Waiting for the 2-week mark.

-Eli sleeps in bed with us. That started the first night we were home. He wakes up and gets fussy, and if we catch it before he's fully awake he'll go back to sleep quickly. If we let it go too long, he really wakes himself up and then I'm up 4-5 times a night feeding him to soothe him back to sleep. As it is, I've only been getting up 1-2 times throughout the night, so pretty nice. I also love snuggling up to him when I feel him move beside me. Especially when I've had a bad dream.

-had my first bad dream about Eli last night. He was spitting up my food undigested (as in, what I ate, not what he ate. Weird.) I mentioned it in passing to a doctor named Dr. Blitz (don't ask, I don't know) and she started running. I chased her wanting to know her opinion, but I realized that she didn't want to talk to me because she didn't want to tell me the bad news. Eli was going to die, and although he looked perfect and healthy at the time, he would slowly break down, be hooked up to tubes, and leave us. I woke up to a beautifully healthy baby who made all right in the world. And if I ever meet a Dr. Blitz, I'll be the one running.

-We took our first venture out of the house together yesterday. I woke up in the morning needing to get away from the house so we went to Matt's parents, ate their food for dinner, and hung out with Aaron, Rachelle, Rob and Kira. It was so nice and normal-feeling that it surprised me. It was also some practice for me with breast-feeding around other people without de-robing. I'm realizing I need many nursing shirts and bras or else life will be really difficult for a while.

-I had an epiphany yesterday. It was this. Life must become normal eventually, and I'm the only one who can make it so. The longer I sit around not trying to adjust, the longer it'll (obviously) take to adjust. So I've been attempting to bring some normalcy into my life, in little spurts. For instance, yesterday I wore jeans for the first time since labour. Until then it had been track pants and loose shirts. More comfy, but more grubby. Also, the whole leaving the house thing. That was a big step. Today it was church for the first time (more to come.) I haven't decided on what tomorrow's normal thing will be. Maybe an organized family home evening for our little family (SO excited!) Also, this week I'm going to go visiting teaching. Just for a one-hour appointment, but I'm going to leave Elijah at home with Matt, and that's a big deal for me. Oh, and I accepted an invitation for Matt, Elijah and I to go over to a friend's for dinner next Sunday, which is something only normal people do. I feel pretty good at my mock-normalcy.

-church today was actually fun. Isn't that strange? I had been dreading it a bit, but the attention on me is gone now, and people just want to fawn over my little baby and how beautiful he is, and I can't help but agree. I totally don't mind talking with all and sundry about my little miracle, hence the fun-ness. Why not soak it up while it's still new and exciting? I'm told that life gets a little more difficult once the novelty has worn off, so I might as enjoy this while it lasts. At the same time, I think it'll be nice when Elijah is an established fact because then I won't feel like everyone is looking at me. Everyone is just looking at Elijah, but to do so they must look at me too, and that makes me a little paranoid. I just don't like being the centre of attention like that. Also, no-one asked to hold him which I had been worried about with it being flu-season and so many people shaking hands and so on, so yay. And besides, I wanted to hold him. :)

-Matt had the greatest time walking into church today. He is so proud of Elijah and wanted to show him off to everyone. He wanted to keep him with him all the time today, but I had to say no, because he'd have been too distracting in Primary when the sisters left and the Young Men took over for the last hour today. Matthew actually pouted a little, it was so cute.

-I have to say, I love pregnancy weight. At least, water-retaining pregnancy weight. It's so easy to lose pregnancy water retention. You just pee it out a few days later! Who knew it could be so easy? I'm beyond excited because my shoes fit again, so there goes the whole, "you'll go up a shoe-size permanently" thing. I'm ecstatic, because I have so many cute little shoes that I didn't want to say good-bye to. My rings almost fit too, but I might have to resize them after all because the little indentation at the bottom of my ring finger is gone, and that's what made them fit comfortably. Sad.

-my ankles are no longer huge. They're so much scrawnier than I remembered, and they actually look funny to me now, like I don't recognize them. It's been 4 months after all.

-we're pretty sure Eli is a Glanfield baby and takes after Matthew a good deal. He looks a lot like this one baby picture of Matt, but I still have yet to pull out my own baby photos, so we could be surprised in the end. One friend of ours thinks that Matt and I look alike, because he can see both of us in Eli. I have a hard time seeing either of us in him, he's just Elijah to me. Well, he's kind of still 'Baby' to me.

-that's another thing. When will I really identify him as Elijah? He doesn't necessarily look like an Elijah, but I definitely felt that that should be his name. Will he grow into it? Is it my own perspective? Does any baby really look like an anything? Or at least anything other than a baby? I see Elijah and I think, "my little man," "handsome boy," "sad face!" or "oh my darling," but I have yet to think, "Elijah" when I look at him. I'm working on saying his name a lot more so that I attach it to him.

-he's starting to lose his newborn-ness. He's still a newborn, but that fresh-out-of the-womb look is giving way to the infant look and he looks different than his newborn self, like when he was getting weighed.

-I'm so happy to have Eli here, but there are parts of me that really miss being pregnant. I was more mobile when I was pregnant, for one thing (which seems so backwards to me. I thought life would be easier with a baby in my arms than in my tummy, but so far, that's not quite true.) I feel things in my stomach and my mind still thinks, "awwh, there's my little kicker!" only to remember that he's not there, and that it really is digestion. Then yesterday I was walking away from the mall singing along to the song that was playing and I realized all of a sudden that Eli wasn't inside of me to hear it, that he was sitting some 100 meters away in the car with Matthew, and that he existed outside of me. My actions and dietary choices still affect him somewhat, but he doesn't need me so much now.

-I've been thinking through my labour and delivery experience, and I've come to a conclusion. Hopefully I won't be repetitive in saying this, but I feel a little gypped. On the one hand, I'm so glad I got the epidural because it was truly heavenly. On the other hand, I did not even remotely have the experience I had anticipated, and it wasn't because of powers beyond my control. I know part of me chose to take a different route, but I also know that my midwife was not what I had expected in labour.

Midwives, to me, should be encouraging, resourceful and positive. They should also consider your birth plan and not let you make decisions on a whim when you're in a heck of a lot of pain. They should talk you through things.

My midwife never even questioned my decision to have an epidural though she knew of my scruples with it beforehand. She never suggested more comfortable labour positions, taking another hot shower (which had worked...) using the birthing pool at the hospital before I got the epi, having Matthew massage my back when it got bad, reminding me of why it hurt and what the outcome of such pain was (because honestly, it was so hard in the moment to remember that there was more to life than pain) and so on. At 11am when I got the epidural, I was already 7cm, and I had progressed from 3-4 to 7 in a matter of 4 1/2 hours, which I know is great. And yet my midwife never suggested to keep going a little longer and stick it out which I know I could have done, considering how I had waited 3 1/2 hours for the epidural.

So there you have it. I felt very left to my own devices and so the epidural and the switch to nurses was wonderful, and therefore not regrettable. Such is life. Although someone mentioned today to write a letter to the midwife practice and I think I will. Not a malicious one or anything, but a truthful, concerned one. Because I'd still have midwives again, but I'd want it to go differently.

-some of my favourite things about Eli: the way he smiles in his sleep after nursing, how cute his sneezes are (they sound like, "hep-tew"!), how you always know when he has pooped because it sounds like his diaper exploded (can't wait for that bomb to go off in the middle of a quiet chapel) how he sucks my arm when he's hungry and not quite there yet, how when he sleeps beside Matt and I he always turns his upper body so that it's facing me. Sometimes I worry he'll end up rolling over, he's turned himself so much. I love it.

-Elijah has already gained back his birthweight and then some. He pretty much had by the time he was a week old. No problems for him with nursing!

And...here are some photos!

Sleepy baby

Here's one with his eyes open

I love my little boy

I had a couple more photos to post, but my modem is on the fritz, the internet is super slow, and I'm just going to get this post up before everything shuts down again. Okay? Okay. :D